7 Young Adulthood 175had for the relationship in the future, and they also grieve for that part of
themselves that was a part of the relationship (Walter, 2003).
The dual process model (Stroebe & Schut, 2010) explains how the
bereaved spouse oscillates between engaging in and exploring all of the feel-
ings associated with death of the partner, while at other times “tuning out”
the feelings of acute grief in order to focus on the many external adjustments
required by the loss. Adaptation to the loss depends upon the bereaved’s abil-
ity to find some means of integrating the death of the loved one and develop-
ing a continuing form of the relationship (Walter, 2003). Common themes in
spousal loss include loneliness and isolation, an identity shift from “we to I,”
changing relationships, handling rituals and marker events, taking responsi-
bility for oneself, and coping with anger (Walter, 2003).
DEATH Of A SPOUSE OR LIfE PARTNER IN YOUNG ADULTHOOD. The loss of a life
partner (married or not) in young adulthood is out of sync with one’s devel-
opmental phase. Particularly as people marry later (if at all), widowhood in
young adulthood is out of the ordinary and has little recent scholarly interest.
Shaffer (1993) identifies the challenges of loss of a life partner in young adult-
hood as: (a) peers’ discomfort with the loss, (b) the lack of previous experience
with the loss of a loved one and, (c) a dearth of role models to demonstrate
how to cope with such a significant loss. Unlike older adults, young adults are
not usually exposed to and socialized about spousal death. Although clearly
grieving, the grief of Shaffer’s sample of young widows was characterized
by “positive shifts in life perspective and by a theme of metamorphosis and
rebirth” (Shaffer, 1993, p. 128). We assume these findings extend to gay and
lesbian partners who lose life partners in young adulthood as well.
Because this loss is experienced at a younger age when identity is more
fluid, younger bereaved partners tend to remake their lives and “start over” in
ways that might seem unrealistic to an older widow or widower in middle or
later adulthood. One young widow from Walter’s research changed her career
plans from animal research to grief counseling after her 28-year-old husband’s
death and asserted: “I am a much healthier person and have much more insight
into who I am... with more goals and deeper insight into the purpose of my
life” (Walter, 2003, p. 49). Her ability to grow from her loss is clear.
There is scant literature on spousal death in young adulthood. Young
and Caplan (2010) were some of the few who studied young adults whose
spouses died and did so by reviewing the Internet dating profiles of widows
and widowers. They found that although the loss is presented as tragic and
traumatic, the experience often shaped the identity of the surviving spouse in a
positive and healthy way. These young adults constructed “a forward-looking
self-narrative that reaffirms the surviving spouse’s connection to and love for
the deceased” (Young & Caplan, 2010, p. 601). This allows the bereaved to
reassure her- or himself that the search for future relationships does not deny
their love for their deceased spouse. Continuing bonds provide solace; “I was
in love. I lost that person and cannot get them back. I am not looking to replace
that person as he or she is irreplaceable. But I am ready to move forward
and love again” (p. 596). Young and Caplan observed that the postings they
reviewed described a need for a continued bond with their deceased spouse