184 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
unsuccessfully to have a child, particularly as couples face decisions about
ending infertility treatments.
When the couple decides to end infertility treatment, the time mourning
process begins (Cudmore, 2005). It is important for the couple to have their
feelings validated and to have their counselor convey a solid understanding
of the multiple losses they endure because of infertility. The loss of a biological
child needs to be mourned if the couple uses adoption as their route to par-
enthood. It is necessary for the couple to understand that “adoption does not
cure infertility” (Walter & McCoyd, 2009, p. 203) and that some losses related
to infertility will continue to arise throughout the life cycle even if the couple
adopts a child. It is important for social workers to understand the relevant
developmental issues, the ambivalent emotions experienced by clients, the
physical and biological losses, the multiple stresses on a couple’s relationship,
the impact on their social relationships such as isolation, and the challenges
of finding meaningful ways to express their grief about the loss of a biologi-
cal child. Through supportive interventions and the use of rituals, (such as
letter writing to the biological child they will never have) many couples can
grieve their loss of biological parenthood and make meaning from their pain-
ful loss so that they can go forward in their lives. Other couples will require
help adjusting to a choice to remain childless and to construct meaningful and
satisfying lives that do not include parenthood.
Goldberg, Downing, and Richardson (2009) studied how heterosexual
and lesbian preadoptive couples perceive and experience the transition from
infertility to adoption as a way to become a parent. They found that lesbian
couples seemed less committed to having a biological child and transitioned
into adoption more easily than heterosexual couples suggesting that lesbian
women may embrace more expansive ideas about how to create a family
that are not based on biological relations. For all couples, the Resolve website
(www.resolve.org) provides reliable information about infertility, including
access to support services.Losses Connected With the Transition to Parenthood
One of the maturational losses that new parents face is a decrease in the degree
of intimacy within their marriage or partnership. Society does not often rec-
ognize how much a couple has to negotiate and “give up” when becoming
parents. Grandparents and other extended family are often so excited about
adding a new member to the family that they, too, do not remember the chal-
lenges involved in transitioning to parenthood. Ambivalent feelings about
parenthood are the norm, yet many feel silenced from expressing the losses
and difficulties of newborn care and changed priorities More than 25 studies
show that the quality of most marriages decreases during the transition to
parenthood, often quickly (Parfitt & Ayers, 2014; Shapiro & Gottman, 2005).
Typically, marital quality decreases for 40% to 67% of couples beginning
within the first year of the baby’s life (Shapiro, Gottman, & Carrere, 2000).
A prospective study (218 couples) examined the effect of the birth of the first
child on the marital relationship and found a sudden deterioration in relation-
ship functioning after a first birth and the change persisted (Doss, Rhoades,