7 Young Adulthood 187out to me a month before the second anniversary of Marissa’s death to talk
through some of her thoughts and feelings connected to Marissa’s death. In
her words, the second anniversary of Marissa’s death was “bringing a lot of
the old emotions to the surface,” and she was looking for an outlet within
which to process this.
We met at Lisa’s home in suburban Philadelphia. Although I had not
met her daughter when she was alive, the home was a living memorial to
little Marissa and her memory. Picture collages and mementoes of Marissa
were hung around the home, a daily reminder of her presence in the life of
this family. Lisa and her longtime boyfriend, Mark, who was Marissa’s father,
lived in the home with their now 19-month-old son, Nicholas. Lisa and I met
biweekly for the next 2 months as she anticipated the arrival of the second
anniversary of her daughter’s death. Lisa had tremendous support from
family and friends in the initial aftermath of Marissa’s death. In contrast, Lisa
felt much less support and understanding from those around her currently.
Most other people encouraged her to “move on” with her life, and reminded
her that “Marissa was in a better place.”
The most difficult of changes in Lisa’s life involved the nature of her rela-
tionship with her boyfriend, Mark. Lisa remarked that she has believed the
couple to be “drifting apart” for quite some time. She noted that the two had
always had differing styles of communication—she was more forthright, more
of an extrovert, while Mark was quiet and more passive in relating. In parent-
ing Marissa, this combination worked well. In adjusting to life without their
daughter, the two were not connecting and at times actually avoiding interac-
tion. Lisa would attempt to speak about Marissa with Mark and Mark would
not engage. Lisa felt very alone in this new wave of grief and the breakdown
in communication with her boyfriend contributed to her sense of isolation.
Mark was unable to talk about Marissa but he did visit her grave weekly. Lisa
believed that this was his way of remembering their daughter. She, however,
was seeking a way for the two of them to share Marissa’s memory and to com-
memorate the second anniversary of her death together.
Developmental Milestones
In young adulthood, many couples are beginning to explore the idea of having
children and the impact of this on their lives. Lisa and Mark were overjoyed
when Marissa was born. They were amazed at how quickly they went from
being a “couple to a real family.” Marissa was diagnosed with a malignant
brain tumor when she was only one and a half years old. In an instant, their
hopes and dreams for their daughter shifted from wondering if college was
in her future to praying that she would defy the odds and overcome her grim
prognosis. In our work together, Lisa shared her frustration about her “lost
dreams” for her child. She mourned the birthday parties that would not be, the
graduation ceremonies they would not attend, the loss of a future she hoped
for her child. Her new son Nicholas, born after Marissa’s death, would never
know his older sister. Given that “the natural cycle of life is such that the old
die first and are replaced by the young” (Rando, 1986, p. 12), Lisa and Mark’s
experience goes against societal norms and young adult expectations. This can
make it difficult for those in young adulthood who have lost a child identify