8 Middle Adulthood 209Nevertheless, sibling relationships are often fraught with rivalry and
ambivalence and bereaved siblings may experience guilt, particularly when
remembering a close childhood relationship that became more distant in
adulthood. Additionally, bereaved adults may feel regret because the relation-
ship was never quite what was desired or expected. Robinson and Mahon
(1997) suggest that the relationships change as siblings approach adulthood,
“with a decrease in reciprocity and, for many, an increase in complementarity”
(p. 495). Thus, to understand the meaning of sibling death in adulthood, one
must understand the nature and intensity of the relationship over time (Eaves,
McQuiston, & Miles, 2005).
Sibling loss often is experienced as disenfranchised because a surviving
sibling is overlooked as a griever, with the majority of support and attention
going to the parents (Harvard Mental Health Letter, 2008; Marshall & Davies,
2011). Comments from others such as “Thank goodness it wasn’t your hus-
band” or “You lived in different states, so you probably weren’t very close”
(Harvard Mental Health Letter, 2008, p. 6) deny bereaved siblings support that
validates their feelings and can prolong and complicate mourning by leading
the bereaved to hide their grief. Additionally, adult siblings can imagine the
impact of losing a child and believe it is their role to help their parents cope
rather than focus on their own loss (Harvard Mental Health Letter, 2008, p. 6).
Although the deaths of aging parents and spouses seem possible at midlife,
losing a sibling is off-time and often disenfranchised, constituting a challeng-
ing loss (Marshall & Davies, 2011).
An epidemiologic study (Rostila, Saarela, & Kawachi, 2012) found that
losing a sibling at midlife has adverse health consequences for bereaved sib-
lings and increases their mortality risk. Surviving sibs whose sibling took
their own life may fear that they will die, particularly when they reach the
age of the sibling who died (Linn-Gust, 2006). Supportive clinical interven-
tion should be provided not only to parents, but also to siblings. Because
sibs are often ignored by parents and others, it is important for health care
workers to follow and support bereaved adult siblings for a longer period
of time than expected (Rostila et al., 2012). Professionals can help bereaved
siblings understand the importance of continuing bonds to the healing pro-
cess, and suggest to bereaved siblings that they may experience relational
changes with remaining family members. Online resources for adult sib-
ling grief can be located at http://www.adultsiblinggrief.com, http://www.adec.org, and
http://www. compassionatefriends.org.
The death of a sibling can color the surviving midlife sib’s sense of gen-
erativity. Sometimes the remaining sibling becomes the “only child” and pro-
vides care for the spouse/partner and/or child/children of the deceased, a
profoundly generative act. On the other hand, bereaved siblings may feel
obliged to provide support that can delay their own grieving. The sibling
bond is peer-like so the death of a brother/sister forces bereaved siblings to
confront their own mortality. Even so, Clark, Warburton, and Tilse (2009) sug-
gest that personal growth often occurs following the loss of a sibling due to a
changed sense of self, changed relationships, and changed philosophy of life
(p. 273). Like most losses, the possibility for growth and maturation exists if
the bereaved actively searches for it.