210 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
Death of a Cousin
There is no professional literature on the loss of a cousin, but the increase in
longevity means that many more midlife adults will lose a cousin with whom
they may have shared a relationship more intimate than their relations with
siblings. Indeed, the increasing number of one child families in the United
States likely will result in many more midlife adults who rely on cousins to
carry on the family heritage following the loss of parents, siblings, aunts, and
uncles. Since adult sibling loss is minimized (disenfranchised), it seems likely
that adult cousin loss is as well. Health care practitioners and other clinicians
should be sensitive to the potential importance of this loss for midlife adults
and act to support them.
Cousins can be of the same age and may have shared memorable child-
hood and adulthood experiences. Because cousins do not share parents, there
may be less conflict and ambivalence in their relationship than between sib-
lings. Further, unlike sibling relationships, relationships with cousins are elec-
tive. This may help cousins share more intimate thoughts and provide more
emotional support to one another than adult siblings are able to do.
“I Lost My Cousin,” a reading at the end of this chapter, demonstrates
the power and intensity of Judy Catterton’s relationship with a cousin. Judy
and her cousin looked alike and grew up together in adjacent apartment build-
ings. Judy’s reading demonstrates how she created continuing bonds with her
deceased cousin by developing closer ties with other cousins. Packman et al.
(2006) illustrate the unique continuing relationship formed by bereaved sib-
lings and underscore the importance of helping bereaved siblings reformulate
and maintain these bonds. Cousins are often “chosen siblings” with strong
attachments, and we assume that emotionally close cousins can cope similarly.Nondeath Losses
Facing a Chronic or Life-Threatening Illness or Disability
Most midlife adults deal with some serious health condition or physical dis-
ability, even if only for a time. Facing chronic illness can be especially dif-
ficult at midlife when people are focused on the biological changes of aging
and their body image. Chronic illness among midlife adults is associated with
their negative attitudes about aging (Thorpe, Spittlehouse, Joyce, Pearson, &
Schluter, 2014). Chronic illness, new diagnosis, or disability forces individuals
to adapt to changed physical abilities and new limitations.
Oktay and Walter (1991) found that midlife women facing breast can-
cer felt vulnerable in the areas of body image, marriage, relationships with
adolescent children, confronting death, reassessing one’s life, and generativ-
ity. However, they also found that midlife women with breast cancer used this
experience to learn how to take better care of themselves as individuals and
found a new purpose in life as they reassessed their lives and dreams. Most
of the midlife women who were interviewed felt increased self-confidence as
a result of confronting their illness. They learned to become more self-reliant
and to say “no” to activities that were not meaningful to them. They reflected
on “What is my life about?” and “What do I want for myself?” Research on