2 Perinatal Attachment and Loss 49her breast, into her arms and into her heart, or if the mother is too drugged
to experience the bonding fully, what happens? It appears that the stimulus to
imprint, if not responded to by the expected meeting with the baby, gives way
to a state of grief [emphasis added]” (p. 59). Liedloff (1985) argues that when the
baby is brought back to the mother later, when she is in a state of mourning,
she may have difficulties bonding with him or her, which can induce feelings
of guilt and shame for being inadequate as a mother. Maggie experienced this
with both of her daughters. She is certain that “it would have been a different
experience if I had gotten a better first moment with my children, my first two
children, you know.”
There are deeply ingrained cultural norms of childbearing. Almost all of
the women who I interviewed shared an expectation that they should have
the inner wisdom and ability to give birth vaginally. When their birth experi-
ence differed, they were left with shaken self-images and a sense of inadequacy.
Elizabeth felt as though her “body has failed me! Yet again!” She spoke about
losing her sense of womanhood and feeling “so not feminine and freakish.”
Another first time mother, Kaya spoke at length about her panic and doubt
that her body was not working as it was supposed to after her water broke and
her contractions did not start on their own: “I just felt that my body is failing
me and that I was doing it wrong.”
In addition, a negative childbirth experience can have an impact on future
reproductive decisions (Porter, Bhattacharya, & van Teijlingen, 2006). Mary
was sad telling me this: “And probably that is the reason why I don’t want to
have any more children, because I don’t want to have another C-section. Both
my husband and I wanted to have more children but that’s not the way to do
things, I guess.”
The Psychological Impact of the Loss
One of the most common consequences women voiced about the disenfran-
chised loss of the dreamed of birth was shaken confidence and impaired self-
image. Their sense of themselves as capable, independent women and mothers
was bruised by the loss of agency and autonomy during contemporary child-
birth. They often shared feelings of failure and incompleteness. Maggie felt
that she did not know who she was after compromising with her main life
beliefs and principles in the process of labor: “With my second daughter after
I gave birth I felt so unsettled. I felt so unsure of myself. I doubted who I was
because I always lived and tried to do things in my own principles.” Maggie
spoke poignantly of the experience of loss of her voice, her power, and ulti-
mately agency. She felt as though she had betrayed herself: “I was so mad at
myself for not sticking up for me, for not sticking up for my baby, for not doing
what was right for us.” Losing her voice during her second birth resurfaced
again during her postpartum period when she started to question her prin-
ciples and beliefs, silenced her feelings and her grief due to others’ comments,
and did not allow herself to actively mourn.
Self-directed anger resurfaced in other grief narratives as well. Sarah had
tears in her eyes while recalling her “failed” natural birth: “So I end up telling
myself I am dumb, why didn’t I do that? Why didn’t I stand up for myself?
I think I gave my power away.” Violating the cultural norm of the happy and