Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan, Second Edition

48 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan

Many women never speak with others about those feelings knowing that

they would be misunderstood and judged. Not grieving openly not only pro-

longs and complicates the experience of grief, but also can result in unre-

solved grief, which may resurface in a later pregnancy or loss. Moreover,

self-disenfranchisement can directly affect one’s ability to seek and find new

meaning and create one’s own grief narrative that facilitates healing and

acceptance of the postloss life.

The Influence of Developmental Tasks and Milestones

One of the major developmental tasks during the childbearing year is the

woman’s transformation into a mother. This is a deep and laborious pro-

cess, seen by some as a rite of passage into motherhood (Davis-Floyd,

1992). The new mother needs “holding” and empathic caring to encourage

self-nurturance and growth into her new role (Kleiman, 2008). Coming out of

childbirth feeling disempowered and silenced can complicate this process and

deepen her feelings of failure and inadequacy (Kitzinger, 2006). Furthermore,

disenfranchising women’s grief can deepen their isolation at a time when

they need the most support and social “holding.” Sarah (all names in this text

are aliases to protect the confidentiality of the interviewed women) shared

with me her struggles to find support for her grief: “I feel very isolated and

keep in the feelings I have... .”

As mentioned above, some women may experience difficulties in acquir-

ing the new maternal role and accepting the changes in their self. The incon-

gruities between the imagined self as an active birthing woman and the self

which in contemporary Western birth practices is often turned into a passive

recipient of medical care/services leave many women disempowered. They

may have feelings of helplessness and self-doubts as new mothers (Davies-

Floyd, 1992). Lynn experienced this: “Not being sure of myself and my experi-

ences, not feeling like a true mom because I didn’t do it vaginal.” Similarly,

Andrea talked about the confusion that set in after the birth of her daughter:

“And it is the most helpless position. You feel like when you are a mom all this

knowledge should be downloaded to you and I had no idea.”

The Biological Impact of the Loss

The disenfranchisement of women’s loss of the dreamed of birth and the way

they imagined their role during the birth of their child can complicate their

bonding with the baby. Kelly described it: “At first I felt guilty that I didn’t

love him enough... at first I really thought that I didn’t love him as a mother

should, I just felt that I was babysitting.”

When the continuum of birth is disrupted by hospital procedures and

practices, or the mother and the baby are separated from each other, it may

disrupt their initial bonding (Odent, 2009). Maggie did not get to see her sec-

ond daughter for “almost three hours after I gave birth to her,” causing her to

feel “frazzled, freaking out” and even feeling physically unwell. Jean Liedloff

(1985) describes the grief: “If the imprinting is prevented from taking place,

if the baby is taken away when the mother is keyed to caress it, to bring it to