Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan, Second Edition

3 Infancy, Toddlerhood, and Preschool 69

factors such as whether the infant has hair or is bald can trigger some mourn-

ing for the idealized child. When a child is born with developmental delays,

congenital or other anomalies, this loss is even greater.

Parents who receive such news must mourn the dream child while also

mourning the loss of the typical child. Faust Piro describes this experience

in the 2009 edition of this text. Aside from the necessity of making medical

appointments to discover diagnoses and provide treatments, parents must

also cope with the social ramifications as family and acquaintances learn about

the child’s condition/s. Further, the self-image of the parent, particularly the

mother, is often affected as she wonders why she “failed” to bring a healthy

child to birth and wonders if there was some reason for the impairment. The

stigma of disability (Goffman, 1963) is not socially just, but it exists nonethe-

less and mothers often experience some of the same stigma (Ladd-Taylor

& Umansky, 1998). When the discrepancies between reality and what was

expected become clear, adjusting to the child’s condition and bonding with

the child she has, rather than the envisioned one, requires a degree of mourn-

ing for the idealized infant.

Most parents experience the loss of the idealized child even if the actual

child is healthy and robust. As Greif’s reading at the end of this chapter clari-

fies, parents often picture their children as athletic or attractive or having qual-

ities they value that are not always in evidence at birth or as the child grows.

When this loss is recognized, it can be acknowledged and it can lose its power

to interrupt the connection between parent and child.

TYPICAL AND MATURATIONAL LOSSES EXPERIENCED AT THIS AGE

Birth and Gradual Loss of Complete Care

Judith Viorst described what is almost certainly a universal experience:

We begin life with loss. We are cast from the womb without an apart-

ment, a charge plate, a job or a car. We are sucking, sobbing, clinging,

and helpless babies. Our mother interposes herself between us and the

world, protecting us from overwhelming anxiety. We shall have no

greater need than this need for our mother. (Viorst, 1986, p. 9)

After what we might call original loss, infancy and toddlerhood are defined

by the optimal frustration experienced as the mother gently pulls away and

allows the child to develop self-soothing and self-entertainment skills. This

necessarily involves losing the company and total security she provided to

that point. Even as the toddler moves into early childhood, there are often

maturational losses such as when behaviors once deemed cute (putting food

in one’s hair or suddenly sitting down and refusing to move) are no longer

tolerated and can actually anger adults.

In short, aging from infancy through the beginning of the school years

includes many small maturational losses as one is expected to self-soothe,

toilet train, begin to provide for one’s own hygiene, pick up toys and take