72 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
with young children, rule setting is more serpentine than straightforward.
Without a sound knowledge of normal childhood behavior, food throwing by
a toddler may be interpreted as defiance, rather than as experimentation or
play. As a result, he may feel less competent in his role if his child does not
obey him. Difficulties managing behavior can reignite the father’s sense of his
own ambivalence about being a father and further distance him from his child.
While the inability to pick up and go spontaneously becomes more circum-
scribed with the birth of the child, at toddlerhood the demands of childrearing
are exponentially increased. The father raising a toddler has made it through
the first year and is now corralling a more mobile tornado that is running
through the home, climbing up and down stairs, and putting everything in
her or his mouth. The father can no longer put a child in one place and expect
her to stay. A stronger personality is emerging with language and the ability to
say no. The mother may become the preferred parent, making the father who
is trying to connect with his child feel marginalized. The increased parenting
demands and the mother preference can add to a father’s ambivalence about
parenthood and sense of loss.
Another loss may occur if the child’s emerging personhood separates the
father from friends without children who are not interested in child- centric
activities. By the time of preschool, there may even be a separation from
friends with children. The child’s developing personality and preferences may
result in the loss of friendships. Much of what men do with other men revolves
around sports, either as a spectator or a participant (Greif, 2009). At 1 year of
age, it may no longer be possible to bring a child in a stroller or car seat to a
friend’s house to watch a football game. The space has to be child-proofed
and the children actively entertained. By preschool, friends may get further
separated if a young child’s interest in gymnastics separates that father from
the father whose child prefers dance. At some point, their children’s interests,
and not theirs, dictate how they spend their time. While children’s burgeoning
interests open the possibility of making new friends, the potential loss of old
friends cannot be overlooked.
One highly involved father commented that his child’s entering pre-
school was a loss for him in terms of who would be taking care of his son.
Strongly attached to his son, now the son would form new relationships with
other adults and be away from home more hours of the day. For this father, it
was the beginning of a new stage that not only took his son away from him
but exposed the son to the vagaries of the world from which his father could
personally no longer protect him.
A loss can come in another arena. The child may not be developing as the
father visualized. He or she may be less responsive, athletic, verbal, or attrac-
tive than the father’s idealized version. Few parents end up believing they are
raising the perfect child; they have to adapt their expectations as a child devel-
ops. This loss, which can be particularly acute if there are organic concerns, is
a common feature of parenthood.
Related to this loss of the idealized child, if the father is competitive he
may transfer his competitiveness to his child, who is his “other,” an extension
of himself. For example, he might want his child to be better than his sibling’s
child and hope to gain greater approval from their parents. He would experi-
ence a loss then if his child came up short. He (and his child) might also be in