3 Infancy, Toddlerhood, and Preschool 73competition with a friend and his child. This competition may first present in
toddlerhood with whose child walks or talks first. By the time the child goes
off to preschool, competition may become more florid as there are a greater
variety of activities around which to compete. If the child falls short, the father
may feel he is falling short and may have a more difficult time interacting
affectionately and supportively with his child.
Finally, adapting to life with a young child entails modifying the intimate
relationship with the other parent. The loss of sexual spontaneity, sexual fre-
quency, and sexual energy can be a drag on both parents. Men often consider
their wives/partners their closest confidants. With a growing child, finding
time to talk and be intimate can be greatly circumscribed. Parents quickly learn
that freedom from the demands of child rearing will be many years away. If
there are fundamental differences about child rearing practices, parents may
experience more distance from each other.
Interventions
Many of these losses can be conceptualized as related to two smaller
developmental stages—the arrival of the first child and the entrance of the first
child into a school program—within a typical stage of the family life cycle—the
family with young children (McGoldrick & Carter, 1982). In this stage, families
have to adapt to having young children while adjusting the marital system,
taking on new parental roles, and realigning relationships with extended fam-
ily members (p. 176). To that extent, any losses the father is experiencing can
be seen as normal struggles and related, in part, to the way men are socialized
in our society.
Often, losses related to the demands of fathering may show up in therapy
as couple issues. All couples have to negotiate when to spend time together
and when to have time for family, individual friends, other couples, as well
as time for each partner to be alone. Presenting problems for couples may be
related to the division of time, childrearing responsibilities, lack of intimacy,
and differences around finances, especially how discretionary income is spent.
Loss is a central theme running through these problems.
Helping the father identifies and reflects on the turn his life has taken
and what his expectations are for his marriage/relationship and childrearing
is beneficial. While it is easy to recommend a fathering group as another venue
in which to explore these issues, most communities do not offer such a service.
Books or essays about fathering and its demands can be helpful, but reading
may not be something many men want to pursue. Popular movies may be
another option for discussing men’s issues as many films about men and par-
enthood have been produced, including I Love You, Man with Paul Rudd and
classics, like Kramer vs. Kramer and To Kill a Mockingbird, both of which feature
single fathers in nurturing roles. Normalizing the issues discussed above may
be one of the cornerstones in work with the couple relationship.
These losses are not always easily remedied. Childrearing demands can
go on for years; filling the void of absence from one’s own father requires ther-
apeutic work or a relationship with a substitute father; mourning the loss of
the idealized child may never get fully resolved; finding alone time with one’s