T
HEother day, President Trump watched a televi-
sion program that makes fun of him and tweeted
the following:
“Late Night host [sic] are dealing with the
Democrats for their very ‘unfunny’ & repetitive material,
always anti-Trump! Should we get Equal Time?”
No. To be specific, heck no.
I was in talk radio before the Fairness Doctrine was
struck down, and it was like floating in a wading pool of
congealed Velveeta. Anodyne local banter in the morn-
ing, syndicated pablum in the afternoon, some drive-time
shows that tackled issues such as taxes (“Do you wait
until the last day or file early?”—real hot-button stuff),
then financial-advice shows into the night, featuring a
guy who played solitaire while he did the show. You
could hear him shuffling the cards.
In my first week on the air, I saw a story about a proposal
to give condoms to prison inmates so they wouldn’t spread
AIDS. Seemed like a good subject. AIDS was a constant
topic of conversation in the ’80s, what with liberals insisting
that the epidemic could be quelled if Ronald Reagan held a
press conference and put a Trojan on a banana. I read the
news story, opened the lines, and went to the break—during
which the station’s program director burst in, florid, arms
waving, and forbade any further discussion of the matter.
AIDS? Government-provided condoms? Too controver-
sial. Drop it.
Huh. Well. I was young and brash, and didn’t like taking
orders, so I cracked the mic, told everyone to hold on to
something stable, and said I was risking FCC wrath right
there but I did not care. Sometimes you have to broach the
big issues and let the chips fall where they may. Okay, guys:
Ginger or Mary Ann?
Well, then. Let’s go with the usual talk-radio fodder. Let’s
see. Ahem.
Sunsets: Aren’t we tired of seeing them in the west? What
if they were in the east? Would that change your opinion?
Give us a call.
Ladybugs: Bugs, yes, but ladies? Some scientists say
maybe not. After this break.
Did you see that TV show last night? Unfortunately, it was
on a channel owned by this station’s competitor, so we can’t
mention it, but you know what I mean. Wasn’t that funny? Ha.
That doesn’t mean we can’t talk about TV, though. So: Do
you like the way your set smells when it warms up? That’s
dust. Could be skin cells. We’ll take your calls after this break.
It’s time to talk politics, friends. Heck, it’s November,
and the election is right around the corner. They say that
those who like sausage and laws shouldn’t see either made,
so I’m asking you straight: Have you ever seen sausage
made? It’s fascinating, but not for the squeamish! Lines are
open if you’ve been to a sausage factory.
Then, in 1987, the Fairness Doctrine was repealed to
great gnashing of teeth and rending of garments because it
had “Fairness” in the title. Now radio would be unfair. Now
you could just say, “Communism is bad and has led to the
death of untold millions,” and the station would not be
obliged to find a host who said, “Well, actually, real
Communism has never been tried, and you can’t make a
giant, continent-spanning omelet of egalitarianism without
breaking a few million eggs.”
One day after a show, my producer slid a cassette across
the table. New guy, syndicated. The station was thinking of
picking him up. He grinned: This guy redlined every dial on
the board. This was what the medium was meant to be. Over
the top. Full-throated. Dynamited every convention in the
business. I listened, and my ears were pasted back: Could he
say that? Could we air this?
Of course you know whom I’m talking about, because he
fast became a household name. Paul Harvey.
Kidding. Rush, of course. The rise of Rush Limbaugh
and the explosion of right-wing talk gave conservatives a
voice and a medium, and in the lonely days before the
Internet gave us a new and different kind of lonely days it
was a boon to the movement.
You could say it also signaled the start of walled-off
echo chambers, with each political faction listening only to
voices that reinforced what they already believed. But not
too many conservatives tuned in to NPR thinking, “Per -
haps I’ll hear something that provides a nuanced critique
of my fundamental beliefs! That would be instructive and
salutary.” No. It brought people back to radio and made
them feel connected to something larger.
A modern-day version of “equal time” would require...
what?A right-wing Saturday Night Liveon another chan-
nel, run by the Department of Comedy? Perhaps a chance
for the president to appear right after a mocking skit and
say, “Alec Baldwin. Not funny. Bad to his kid, I hear. Any -
one remember that Shadowmovie he made? Guy wanted
to be the next Batman. Sad.”
Oh, it’s tempting: a Fairness-Doctrine Equal-Time
law applied across the board, so that episodes of The
Handmaid’s Tale—a dystopian story of female oppres-
sion—are countered with programs like Today in Saudi
Arabia. The government could demand that every time
someone on a TV show says, “Women are paid 76 cents
for every dollar a man gets,” there’s a severe-weather-
alert beep and a contrary opinion rolls across the bottom
of the screen.
The president’s tweet was peevish personal pique,
and the only thing more tiresome than knowing he
watches late-night comics is realizing that he cares what
they say. “He didn’t really mean it,” some might say.
“Just stirring the pot.” Okay. Fairness-Doctrine-Revival
Pot duly stirred.
Now dump it out and put it away.Fair to Meddling
Mr. Lileks blogs at http://www.lileks.com.
39Athwart BY JAMES LILEKS Text