relationships
JAN/FEB 2018 MARIECLAIRE.CO.ZA 53
of their salaries go into the same account and from there
they live,’ says Claire.
Same here. I don’t remember my parents talking about
owning their money separately. It was always a combined
thing. I can absolutely confirm that my mom does all the
grocery shopping and in their 29 years of marriage she
never once asked my dad to pay her back for half of it.
Marieke says it’s the same for her parents. ‘Trevor
was shocked when he learned my parents share a bank
account. His step-mother gets paid a salary into her
account by his father. At least I know ahead of time that
we will probably never join bank accounts because of
this,’ says Marieke.
Marieke and Trevor have been dating for two and a
half years. Only three months ago did he find out what
she earns. She still doesn’t know what he takes home. In
fact he is positively secretive about it. ‘When he has his
banking app open, he turns his screen away from me so
I can’t see,’ says Marieke. I ask her if she thinks it’s
because he earns more or less than her. ‘I think we earn
about the same. But he has more assets than me. He has
a farm and savings. I don’t feel awkward to ask him what
he earns, but I know that his answer will be “that is not
your business”, similar to when I asked how much he has
in savings. I was only interested because he reprimanded
me for not having any myself.’
And when Marieke was in the market to buy a new car,
Trevor got quite involved in outlining which cars she can
and can’t afford. She took his advice, though, passing on
the SUV and opting for a smaller car instead. ‘It comes from
a good place, and he helped me make the right decision;
but I do wonder why I can’t be privy to his financial affairs
as well,’ says Marieke.
Claire’s husband may earn more than she does but she
is the one with the asset injection. She has an inheritance
and property, which she sold to buy their current home in
Cape Town. But Claire and Calvin look at
everything they have as shared, including
the house.
‘When we want to make a big purchase
we talk about it. We talk about everything
we might want to buy, whether expensive
or not, because we are nerds like that,’ says
Claire. ‘We are both money hoarders, but
also aren’t afraid to spend on quality and
convenience, so as much as we hold each
other back, we also egg each other on.’
I can relate to this. Jason isn’t afraid to
drop a large sum of money on one item,
for instance something for one of his
beloved cars. Yet I think long and hard
before spending a lot on one thing.
We had a conversation the other day
about needing a new speaker. Jason wants
to get a top-of-the-range Bluetooth one;
I don’t really care very much about
speakers. A simple, entry-level one will do just fine.
‘Here is a good one... R2 600,’ he said.
‘Are you mad? That means we are each spending R1 300
on a speaker. I think twice before spending that much on
a pair of shoes,’ was my reply.
‘But this is the best one,’ was his.
We had to compromise – he in dropping his standards
and I in letting go of my purse strings a little.
Marieke and Trevor spend the same amount, more or
less, on eating out and other entertainment. ‘But he does
fill up my car with petrol sometimes, and buys me clothes
here and there, and will cover groceries for the weekends
that I go stay on the farm,’ says Marieke.
But Trevor is controlling of money in another sense.
‘We went to Thailand last year; we each paid our own way
and our daily budget was R2 000. We would draw that cash
each day, but Trevor would keep it all in his wallet.’
Marieka describes her and Trevor’s relationship as ‘what’s
mine is mine’, as does Ameera. ‘That way we don’t feel bad
for spoiling ourselves with our own money,’ she says.
Dave Ramsey, businessman and author of The Total
Money Makeover, suggests that committed couples should
‘put all [their] money together and begin to look at it as a
whole.’ Janine agrees.
‘To pool all your money, and look at it as belonging to
the both of you, means there is complete and utter trust
between the two of you.’ Meaning all debt is shared. That
goes for any savings as well. ‘This communal approach
requires selflessness and a generosity of spirit, and is a
catalyst to receive love from each other.
You choose to give to the other over
yourself, using the financial side of your
relationship to feed the needs of all other
facets of your relationship,’ says Janine.
But Robert and Janine see more new-
picture than old-picture couples, that
function as though they live separately.
‘Which is perfectly acceptable,’ says
Janine, ‘but makes it even more important
to amalgamate those qualities from a
communal situation (generosity, trust and
openness) into this.’ Otherwise, will living
this way promote intimacy?
There is no easy answer to this debate.
However you decide to handle your
financial affairs – whether separately
or together as a couple – honesty and
openness is key. Robert sums it up nicely.
‘At the moment, many couples are
approaching money with one foot in the
old picture, which we understand because
it was done that way by our parents, and
their other foot in the new picture, trying to
figure it out for themselves.’ mcWE ASKED YOUDoes openness
about money
promote intimacy
in a relationship?59%
YES, TRANSPARENCY
IS KEY41%
NOPE, HE’S DATING
ME NOT MY MONEY