52 MARIECLAIRE.CO.ZA JAN/FEB 2018
PHOTOGRAPHSELMAR KROP/THELICENSINGPROJECT.COM*NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGEDirresponsible and judge me accordingly. But I feel like
I can handle it before I have to tell him.’
Robert, Janine and I chat about why money is so difficult
to talk about and conclude that firstly it has to do with the
different ways that men and women associate with money,
which sometimes clash, and, secondly, the gender pay gap
that has existed throughout history.
Few people see money as simply money. A healthy bank
account can mean security, power, independence (and,
conversely, dependency), control, confidence, happiness,
love, balance and freedom. The complexity comes in when
two people who have different financial outlooks and
who value money differently come together in a serious
relationship. Without hashing out those differences and
chatting about values, money becomes another partner in
a relationship, and often one that is ignored.
But talking about money when first entering into
a relationship is not always easy. Most of
the time, keeping your finances to yourself
in the beginning is the wiser thing to do,
especially if you don’t know if it will turn
into something serious. What is problematic
though, is that people tend to spend more
in the beginning of a relationship getting to
know and impress one another – multiple
dinner dates, drinks with friends and
romantic weekends away to escape flatmates
certainly adds up, and sets a precedent.
Marieke agrees.
‘Oh yes! When Trevor and I first started
dating, I acted as though I could afford
absolutely anything,’ she says. ‘He was
the one who said we need to slow down.
I pretended it didn’t bug me, but I was
secretly relieved,’ Marieke says.
Women associate money with security,
love and happiness, whereas men
traditionally associate it with power, control
and success – something they always had in
the past that women did not.
‘I have noticed that when the woman in a relationship
earns more than the man, it brings in the male ego, making
the topic even more sensitive,’ says Robert.
Janine makes a good point, adding to Robert’s comment:
‘Women are ambivalent. Yes, she wants to earn the same as
or more than her partner and be financially independent
with a high-powered job. But then, in the back of her mind,
she wouldn’t mind if her partner made more either because
she wants to be looked after by him and be the chief at
home,’ says Janine.
The psychologists and I devise what is going to be
referred to as the ‘transitional period’, the space between
the ‘old picture’ (woman stays home to tend to the house
and children while man works; or woman makes much less
money than man) and the ‘new picture’ (woman earns equal
to or more than man; or man tends to house and children).
So how do transitional-period couples work?
When I was single, I was close to a couple who kept their
finances almost clinically separate. For instance, if he bought
her a R25 flat white, he remembered this to the rand and
would deduct that amount from something he owed her.
Each time one spent money on the other, a mental note was
made. They lived together for a few years, but paid their rent
to the landlord separately because they didn’t have a shared
bank account. Everything was split equally – and they made
sure it was split equally 100% of the time, rand for rand.
When Jason and I moved in together, one
of the first things we did was open a shared bank
account into which we deposit an equal amount
of money that covers our shared expenses, such
as rent, DStv, electricity, domestic help, groceries
and so on. However, since he earns quite a bit
more than I do, he often foots the bill for extras
such as dinners out, UberEATS, drinks and
weekends away.
Not all couples favour a 50/50 split for
expenses though. Ameera* and her husband,
Zahir*, have been married for seven years and
still have different bank accounts. Ameera earns
about 20% more than Zahir does, and they’ve
worked out their shared expenses accordingly,
so that Ameera pays 20% more. I ask whether
earning more than her husband ever makes him
feel less involved in any decision-making. ‘Not
at all. Sometimes I wish it would bother him, to
push him to work towards a promotion. But it
also means I don’t feel guilty when he handles
some of the house things that are traditionally
viewed as the wife’s responsibility,’ says Ameera.
Interesting, especially when considering that full-time
working women are mostly still responsible for emotional
labour such as shopping lists and what to cook for dinner,
and that, on average, women do 60% more unpaid house
work than men, according to the Institute of Social and
Economic Research.
‘Calvin* wouldn’t know that we’re out of sugar or Handy
Andy. He also doesn’t actively pay any of the bills. That’s my
job, but it happened by default,’ says Claire* of her husband
of two years.
‘We have separate bank accounts, but also a shared one
into which each of us puts money once a month. Calvin
earns more than I do, so he tends to put more into that
account, which is meant to cover everything we need for
the month. Technically speaking, we shouldn’t need to tap
into our private accounts. But it doesn’t always work out
that way.’
This seems to be the way that transitional-period,
progressive couples do things. When compared to most
of our parents, likely of the old picture, it differs quite
drastically. ‘My parents have one account together. Both’