DURING OFFICE HOURS
WE’RE ALL
SO
WHY ARE SO MANY
HAPPY TO
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS?
BY DANICA BAKER‘Being a feminist and
being submissive has
received backlash, but
the female submissive
who participates in BDSM
consensually is empowered.’
She says an authoritative
woman’s desire to be treated
as a submissive in a sexual
context often comes down
to two reasons, one being
that a woman may find
power in asking a partner
to fulfil her sexual wishes.
‘How empowering it is
to know that you can be
in a situation that you can
control, that is consensual;
to have the ability to give in
to your fantasies,’ she says.
‘You can be as naughty
as you want without
being shamed. Female
submission does not
mean oppression.’
‘Being a confident,
secure, sexual woman
is being a woman who is
in touch with her sexuality,
feels uninhibited to express
it, and also feels confident
to express her desires
and needs and to ask for
what she wants,’ adds sex
therapist Desiree Spierings.
Otten believes that the
second reason women are
attracted to submission is
their desire to relinquish
control to someone they
trust so they can take
a break from their day-
to-day. ‘Handing over
charge once in a while
is a form of self-respect- of not having to analyse
and make decisions but
just enjoying the ride,’
she says. ‘Many women
used to running the world
and the workplace and a
home like to hand over the
responsibility to someone
else. It can be a form of self-
care: knowing when to let
go and be looked after.’ ■
* NAME HAS BEEN CHANGEDLOVE LUST
COSMOPOLITAN.CO.ZA JANUARY 2018 | COSMOPOLITAN 95
PHOTOGRAPHY
GETTY IMAGES
THE CLOCK STRIKES
5pm and Mimi*, 32, begins
packing up her desk. She’s
had another satisfying day
at her work – a feminist-
education organisation
that increases people’s
awareness of gender
equality and fights for
women’s rights. As she
leaves the office, she gets a
tingle of excitement thinking
about the night ahead with
her man. She’s trying to
decide whether she wants
to role-play a rape scenario
with him, or be chained up
and spanked. If you haven’t
figured it out already, Mimi
identifies as sexually
submissive. She’s not alone:
many strong-willed women
who hold positions of power
in their daily life happily
relinquish control when
it comes to the boudoir.
‘Hang on!’ you may think.
‘Why would an avid feminist
be willing to degrade herself
like that and be treated as
inferior to her partner?’
But relinquishing authority
and choosing to be sexually
submissive can actually
be an act of power – and if
we’re honest, many women
enjoy being dominated in
the bedroom to some extent.‘You can certainly be a
passionate, strong, loud,
proud feminist while being
a soft, sweet, delightful
submissive in bed – and
I know this because it’s me,’
says Mimi. ‘Sexual power
play is not a preference;
it’s actually a necessity
for my pleasure. I can’t
fully enjoy sex if the
power dynamic isn’t
imposed upon me to
some degree. I love
being smacked on the
thighs or across the face,
whether it’s with a ruler
or a paddle, and choking
is extremely enjoyable
to me. Even something
as simple as him saying,
“This is all you’re good for”,
“I own you” or “You mean
nothing to me” turns me
on. I find these “degrading”
comments empowering
and pleasurable.
‘The two characteristics- me as a feminist activist
and as a sexual submissive - don’t conflict with each
other. I feel it’s a balance;
they actually complement
each other. I’m regularly
told by people that I’m
intimidating and that
I have a powerful presence
in my everyday life. And
that’s precisely why, in my
sex life, I relish being able
to finally let go and have
someone else take charge,
make the decisions and
call the shots. It allows
me to leave behind who
I am and access a hidden
facet of myself. In the
bedroom, I get to be meek,
obedient, vulnerable and
powerless – all of the things
I’m not in my everyday life.
‘But I need to be in
a long-term relationship
to be able to trust someone
wholeheartedly with my
body and my safety. The
core principle of BDSM
is sex that’s consensual- so as a submissive,
you communicate to
a dominant what you
want them to do to you
in advance. To me there’s
nothing more empowering
than, as a woman, letting
‘IT ALLOWS
ME TO LEAVE
BEHIND WHO
I AM AND
ACCESS A
HIDDEN FACET
OF MYSELF’
your partner know what you
need them to do so you can
experience intense pleasure.
As a feminist, I believe I have
the right to choose what
I want in my sex life, and my
choiceistobesubmissive.’‘Wanting to be dominated
does not mean you are weak
or lesser – it means that you
understand your boundaries
and your wants,’ explains
sexologist Chantelle Otten.