person you want to be.”
Dr. Hurst agrees. “It doesn’t have to be perfect; it
can just be good enough,” she says. “Perfection doesn’t
exist.” She says that saying “no” to some things and
recognizing that, even then, not everything will go
according to plan is a good strateg y to sur vive the hol-
idays. “You can’t do everything for everyone or you’ll
be depleted and unable to help anyone anyway.”
Sometimes this may mean letting go of holiday tradi-
tions and recognizing that the “perfect” Christmas
from your past may no longer be feasible, especially
once you have a family of your own. Dr. Hurst says
that so many families struggle to fit in everyone’s tra-
ditions and feel guilty about even the thought of omit-
ting one of them. But priorities change, she says. “You
have to be f lexible with traditions,” she says. “If it
feels like there’s a good reason to stop, then there’s no
rule that says that everything has to be the same
every year.”MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Women are often applauded – or criticized – for being
emotional caretakers and trying to make sure every-
one else is happy. The problem is, it’s not a realistic or
healthy way to negotiate relationships, and comes at a
great cost to yourself, says Dr. Sota. “If you’re not bal-
ancing your own needs, whether it’s rest, taking time
for yourself or pursuing things you actually want to
do, you’ll usually feel distress, lack balance and expe-
rience strain in relationships with others.”
Dr. Sota says that it’s especially easy to lose sight of
your own needs during the holidays, when you’re try-
ing to meet all the additional demands and obliga-
tions that come with the season. “Inappropriate guilt
that can lead to shame comes from the ‘shoulds’ we
have for ourselves and how we live in the minds of
others. When we experience shame, we create a story
about ourselves that we’re not good enough, or not
worthy but what we need to do is have a little more
self-compassion.” Sometimes, she says, you need to
be OK with the fact that you can’t always come
through and accept that sometimes you’re going to
disappoint other people. “Come to terms with the fact
that you won’t a lways be able to tie it a ll up with a bow
and that everyone is going to be happy,” she says.
To make it easier to step back and connect with
feelings of compassion for yourself, it might help to
turn things around and look at the situation from a
completely different perspective, says Dr. Sota. “If
your dearest friend was in this position, how would
you help and advise her? What would she need? The
rules we have for ourselves are sometimes so rigid
compa red to our rules for others. It helps to step out of
your own experience once in a while.” Then, take the
understanding and compassion you’d show to your
friend and try to offer some to yourself with the same
wa rmth a nd ca ring. A nd don’t feel g ui lt y about that. bhbest health DECEMBER | JANUARY 2018 31“IT’S IMPORTANT
NOT TO DO ALL THE
EMOTIONAL WORK
FOR OTHERS,
LIKE ASSUMING
THEIR NEEDS OR
PROTECTING THEM
FROM FEELING BAD.”
ISTOCK