CosmopolitanAustralia201507 .

PHOTOGRAPHY BY PAUL SUESSE/BAUER. STYLING BY CHARLOTTA BACKLUND. HAIR AND MAKEUP BY MIRIAM NICHTERLEIN/UNION MANAGEMENT.

MARKY WEARS

JACKET BY ALICE MCCALL; DRESS BY OSKAR

You’re probably going to have some

difficulty with your standard face-to-

face love-making so you’re going to have

to look at this from another angle. Like,

literally from an entirely different angle

• you need to turn around. If you’re in
  a bathtub shower, bend over and hold on
  to the edge of the tub, and if you’re in a
  stand-up shower, you might need to cock
  a leg and brace yourself against the wall.
  Yeah – they don’t call it doggie-style for
  nothing. And if all this fails, you still
  have two other options. Try it sitting
  down (ideal for tub showers) or you can
  get a sex step. Yes, a sex step. It’s a thing.
  OK, that’s a lie – it’s just a regular step
  stool, but it sounds a lot better if we
  call it a sex step.

LOGISTICAL HICCUP:

SLIPPERY SURFACES

Marky’s solution: Towels. Seriously,

oodles and oodles of towels. For starters,

lay one or two out on the floor of the

shower to avoid foot slippage. Just make

sure not to impede the drainage – that

could lead to an awkward and expensive

conversation with your plumber. Also,

keep a stack of fresh towels within arm’s

reach and use to prop under knees or

hands or bums as the occasion calls for

it. You’d be surprised how often they

come in handy. And if you want to up

the ante, you can even invest in some

shower-sex-specific safety gear. Suction

handles, suction footrests – well, pretty

much suction-anything-you-can-think-

of can be easily purchased online. And

while we’re at it, you might as well look

into the suction handcuffs, the vibrating

sponges and the waterproof massagers.

You know, since you’re there anyway.

It really can’t hurt...

LOGISTICAL HICCUP:

THE CONTRACEPTION

QUESTION

Marky’s solution: Probably important

to note – condoms aren’t particularly

dependable in the shower. There are a

few reasons for this, but a lot of them

will actually degrade with prolonged

exposure to water, so the lesson here is

don’t even try it. You’ll need to consider

other methods of birth control such as a

diaphragm or IUD. Remember they do

nothing to protect you from those scary

STIs though. And in more news from

the who-would-have-guessed-it files, the

very same H2O that leaves your condom

ineffectual actually does the same thing

to your vagina! I know – what the hell,

water? All that running aqua dries up

your natural lubrication. Even if you

don’t normally use it, a silicone-based

(not water-based) lube will make things

smoother than a jazz-playing Frenchman

with a standing wax appointment.

So you see, a little prep work is really

all it takes for some sweet shower lovin’.

Before you know it, you’ll be writing the

next 50 Shades of Grey. Only yours will

be autobiographical. And then you can

cast Emma Watson to play you in the

movie. And Liam Hemsworth will play

your boyfriend. Only you won’t have a

boyfriend anymore because by now you’ll

have parted ways to concentrate on your

burgeoning empire. Which means you’ll

be free to have a blistering affair with

Liam, which will ultimately lead to the

inspiration for your next book and so

on and so forth until you live happily

ever after. And ALL OF THIS you’ll

owe to your discovery of epic shower

sex. You are most welcome. #

5

QUESTIONS

I HAVE FOR...

BEYONCÉ’S

WARDROBE

Are you ever like: “I

know I’m ugly but I’m on

Beyoncé so shut up.”

And her hair is, like, your

spotlight-stealing archenemy,

I’m guessing?

Tell me about the hair

removal routine you

must put her through.

Hectic, right?

Do you ever get

sick of being right

all the time?

You there

• do you feel...
  empty without
  her?

COSMOPOLITAN July 2015 25

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