PHOTOGRAPHY: THINKSTOCKor FOMO (fear of missing out). The pressure to put
other people first and keep up with perceived demands
can either cause us to fail (think missing an event
because you RSVPd to two things on one night) or pike,
resulting in interpersonal conflict.
“People find it difficult to say no because there is
a greater risk of creating conflict and tension,” says
Sydney-based psychiatrist and psychotherapist Katie
Dimarco. “If we say no and displease people, they might
reject us. We are very socially motivated creatures, so it
is often easier to say yes and to be seen as cooperative
and more pleasing towards others.”
Yes people (those for whom saying yes is a symptom
of fear or anxiety rather than excitement) often fear
being perceived as uncaring or selfish or use yes as
a way to avoid confrontation according to Susan
Newman, author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It
- And Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever.
“If they say no to an invitation or request, they
fear they will not be included or asked the next time,”
she says.
Self-saboteurs may also incur injury or illness
according to psychiatrist Victor Bloom.
“Sickness does give an excuse to avoid situations
the patient wants to avoid but can’t admit to openly,”
says Dr Bloom. “People with unresolved, unconscious
guilt may inadvertently fall prey to unconscious
mechanisms of self-punishment. In simple terms,
guilt requires punishment, and if there is not external,
tangible punishment, which becomes ‘justice’, and
in extreme cases paying one’s debt to society, we are
capable of punishing ourselves without even realising
it,” Bloom says.
“The body ‘cooperates’ with the deep need of the
patient by actually creating pathology, especially where
there is already a bodily weakness or susceptibility.”
Research shows that psychological stress is linked to
higher virus susceptibility. In a study by psychologist
Sheldon Cohen, stressed people exposed to a cold virus
were almost twice as likely as non-stressed peers to
contract the illness.
“We know that high levels of stress produce
steroids,” says Dr Turner. “That’s a common side effect
of being stressed or under pressure. Steroids actually
dampen down immune function. That’s why they’re
used for transplants and grafts, where things can be
rejected very quickly.”
More serious diseases can also result, says Dr
Ben Buchanan from Victorian Counselling and
Psychological Services. “Studies show that when people
are unable to assert themselves by saying no, they have
higher levels of clinical anxiety and even have high
levels of cardiovascular disease,” says Buchanan.
“The negative impact comes if we say yes but
then resent ourselves or feel indignant towards the
other person.”
Author and life coach Shannah Kennedy says that
planning can prevent a clash with sabotage.
“Not having a diary is an act of self-sabotage,” she
says. “It’s like charging expenses on your credit card all
month and not keeping tabs on your spending, never
asking for receipts, then complaining that your credit
card bill is so high.”
So sit down with your diary for the week and lock
in your gym schedule, your adult education class, your
weekly massage and even smaller tasks like daily coffee
breaks. Set reminders on your phone if you need to.
Ask yourself: do the entries in your diary match the
values you hold dearest? Have you booked in downtime
to recharge? Have you booked in quality time with
those most important to you?
Every day, take time out of your working day for
yourself – do a Pilates class, schedule some stretching
or meditation, listen to music you like or do some
breathing exercises. You will soon start to feel more
balanced in your workplace.
“People say to me, ‘oh my god, I forgot how
important yoga was to me’ or ‘I need to drink water, I
feel so much better’,” Kennedy says.THOUGHT ROADWORKS
It might feel as though your procrastinating ways are too
entrenched to change, but no matter how compelling
or ‘natural’ they feel, thoughts and behaviours don’t
exist independently and rely on you for continuation.
The science of neuroplasticity says we can rewire our
brains through repetition of a new thought, thought
type or behaviour. The question is how badly you want
it, because any change requires conscious effort and
willingness to suck it up in the beginning.
Dr Harris advocates practising mindfulness to create
space to disrupt old, automatic patterns and replace
them with new ones.
“Mindfulness skills are very important for anyone
who is doing a lot of self-sabotage,” Dr Harris says.
Research shows that we are just as likely to default to
positive habits as we are to negative ones, so once you’ve
created a new script for your brain and rehearsed it for a
while – it’s thought that the brain takes around 66 days
to form a habit – the helpful behaviour will feel natural.
First you need to recognise that your behaviour is at
odds with your values and long-term goals. “Begin by
noticing your behaviour and reflecting on it, then look
at what’s triggering this behaviour immediately before
you do it. What are the situations, thoughts and feelings
that immediately precede it?” Dr Harris asks.
If you can’t stand the thought of that initial period,
when the thought of going without your after-dinner
treat feels like losing a dear friend, reframe. “Everything
that makes life rich and meaningful brings pain –
developing your relationship, building your career,
taking care of your body,” says Dr Harris.whfmagwhandfmagwhandfmagedwomenshealth
andfitness