December 2016 | MensHealth.com 95But Maybe It’s
Better to Keep
Those Pants On
This summer we
got not one but two
pop-up naked res-
taurants, in London—
where the waiting
list topped 46,000
eager nudists—and
Melbourne, Austra-
lia. The waitstaff were
minimally covered.
Imagine the specials:
Rump roast? Braised
cheeks? All of it nut-
free, we trust.
Science Finds a
Way for Us to Body-
Shame Ourselves
For just $699, the
soon-to-be-released
Naked 3D Fitness
Tracker will assess your
naked form and tell
you exactly how you’re
not desirable. First it
takes a full-body scan,
including the humili-
ating parts you don’t
see in your bathroom
mirror. It’s the perfect
gift for anybody who
needs reminding that
they’re going to die
alone and unloved.
Geezer of the Year
Mick Jagger, at an
exceptionally craggy
73, is not only dating
a 29-year-old ballerina
(born around the time
everybody was saying
this Rolling Stone was
too old to be a rock-
and-roll star anymore)
but also announced
that he and his young-
enough-to-be-his-
granddaughter girl-
friend are expecting
a child, Sir Mick’s
eighth kid. This could
be the last time, we
don’t know.
Worst Reasons
to Spend an Entire
Year in Space
Brittle bones, weak
muscles, puffy “moon
face,” and drinking
your own recycled piss
and sweat—almost
200 gallons, according
to NASA. Oh, and you
also get to collect your
own poop in space for
research. Fun!Best Excuse
for Being Late
Bruce Springsteen,
who broke the four-
hour mark in some
shows, helped fourth-
grader Xabi Glovsky
with a personalized
note for his teacher.
“Xabi has been out
very late rocking &
rolling,” the note read.
“Please excuse him if
he is tardy.”Worst Excuse
for Being Late
When Lauryn Hill was
more than two hours
late to her own concert
in Atlanta, she turned
to Facebook to lamely
attempt to explain her
tardiness. She claimed
she was “aligning my
energy with the time.”
What the hell does
that even mean? And
will our boss buy it?
At least when Spinal
Tap was late to a gig,
it was because of
drugs and groupies.Geezer We Have
Sympathy for
Hugh Hefner, 90, sold
the Playboy Mansion
to the billionaire owner
of Hostess, on the con-
dition that he can live
there until he dies. A
man who used to be
the most envied bach-
elor in the world is now
no different from the
college dropout who
crashes in his parents’
basement (if that drop-
out paid his parents
a million dollars a year
in rent money).Most Intriguing
Escape Plans for
the Human Race
President Obama
called for a public-
private mission to Mars,
leaving in, oh, 2030
or so. But we’re eye-
ing a rocky, Earth-size
planet, possibly with
an atmosphere and
water, that was dis-
covered orbiting Prox-
ima Centauri, the
closest star (besides
the sun). It’s a mere
4.2 light years away,
or just 25 trillion miles.
So if we leave now
and don’t make any
bathroom stops...Definitive Proof
That Sometimes
Ignorance Is Bliss
A former photo
retoucher for Victoria’s
Secret revealed that
so much of the catalog
is Photoshopped that
models began arriv-
ing at their shoots with
“hairy armpits” and
“stubbly pubes.”Most Convincing
Cautionary Tale
About Unsafe Sex
Charlie Sheen.
News of the actor’s
HIV-positive status
inspired a huge surge
in HIV-related Web
searches—including a
417 percent increase
on the day of his dis-
closure to the press,
according to research-
ers from San Diego
State University.Least Convincing
Argument for
Safe Sex
Those “Feel the Burn?”
billboards in L.A. to
promote testing for
sexually transmitted
diseases. They were
clever, sure. But some
of us don’t want to be
reminded of a 75-year-
old Brooklyn socialist
when considering our
sexual health.Best Reasons
to Spend Nearly
a Year in Space
It’s a growing expe-
rience. Like Scott
Kelly, you could be 1.5
inches taller in orbit;
the lack of gravity helps
to stretch the spine.
Better yet, you would
be 8.6 milliseconds
younger than you were
back on planet Earth.PHOTO-ILLUSTRATIONS BY SEAN McCABE
BEST STYLE
FOR SLOBS
Kit and Ace washable cashmere
and Levi’s dirt-resistant Commut-
er jeans. The mostly rayon sweater
(11 percent cashmere) can be
machine washed and tumble dried
without shrinking into a bib. The
jeans’ water-resistant coating
repels rain, red wine, and
eggplant parm like a
force field.December 2016 | MensHealth.com 95