Cosmopolitan USA – June 2017

JUNE 2017COSMOPOLITAN 91

LOV E

QUIZ

FOCUS ON YOU

After you delete your

apps and swear off all

dates, replace them with

some solo time. Instead

of obsessing about great

first-meeting wine bars or

hitting it off with some-

one, your mind is free to

ref lect on your past experi-

ences—and you can think

smartly about shifting

your approach. Ask your-

self: What have I learned

so far? What do I want

to do differently? What’s

worked? What hasn’t?

During this uninterrupted

time, you can uncover real,

useful answers.

Most important, your

self-worth no longer

hinges on whether some-

one likes your look in pho-

tos, sends you a message,

or asks you out. By taking

a break from all that, you

can remind yourself what a

catch you are and that your

true value lies in who you

are in real life—which is a

wonderful, intriguing, and

attractive person.

PUT YOURSELF

OUT THERE

But not with romantic

intentions yet. Say yes to

new social situations by

joining a Meetup group

or taking that random

coworker up on his house-

warming party invite.

This will get you out of the

habit of turning down or

ignoring opportunities to

interact with people who

aren’t potential mates.

You’ll have interesting, ful-

filling experiences and be

I see this among my cli-

ents. People who are nor-

mally friendly, warm,

and upbeat grow cold,

defeated, and cynical.

They’ve been through so

many deceitful, “I’m just

going out with you so I

can sleep with you” let-

downs. They tell me that

they don’t believe in love

anymore and question

whether their expecta-

tions are stratospherically

high or catastrophically

low. Clearly frustrated,

they even start to doubt

their own self-worth.

In cases like these,

I recommend taking a

deliberate break from dat-

ing and treating it like a

cleanse. That may sound

drastic, but it works won-

ders for your self-care

and sets you up for a more

fruitful dating future.

Here are your ground

rules for pressing pause.

MAKE SURE

THE TIME

IS RIGHT

If you see yourself in what

I describe above, a roman-

tic recess is likely a good

call. But if you find you

have no real reason to stop

dating or you’re doing so

because you can’t deal

with any rejection what-

soever, then this approach

won’t work for you. Not

dating could become a

crutch—a way to avoid

ever getting back out

there. You’ll only be using

it as an excuse to stay out

of the singles’ pool, and

that could mean missing

the chance to meet a per-

son who would be great for

you. Remember: A hiatus

is meant to be temporary.

reminded of how easy it

can be to connect with

someone when you have

zero ulterior motives.

Do something that

invites physical contact

with others too. Sign up

for a dance class, or hit up

Daybreaker (a morning

dance party, in select cities)

before work. By channel-

ing the need to connect with

someone into an active

pursuit, you’ll get the rush

and feeling of touch without

the emotional weight of a

date. (Oh, and by the way,

if you just so happen to

meet a special someone

while you’re out and about?

That’s okay. The main pur-

pose of a break is to remove

yourself from a state of

dating obsession. If a con-

nection happens organically

IRL, it’s completely fine to

make an exception.)

START ANEW

There’s no set time for

when a dating time-out

should end—it could be

after a few weeks or even

a few months. You’ll know

you’re ready to get back

in the game when you feel

content with just yourself

and you’re not always won-

dering about matching

with another single.

This time, try a mix

of dating approaches.

Re-download your favorite

apps, but also keep mak-

ing an effort to meet new

platonic friends. After your

cleanse, you’ll be more

likely to give people a

chance and not judge them

so quickly. You’ll become

a smarter, more compas-

sionate dater—and an all-

around fuller person. ■

Do You Need

a Hiatus?

Just a little

frustrated—or

screaming for a

breather?

Take this test

to find out.

1

You’re out for

drinks with friends.

Your first words

are “I swear, it’s

impossible to meet

someone in this town!”

True False

2

Your old college

roommate wants to

meet up either

on Friday night or

Saturday morning.

You’ll obviously

pick Saturday. Friday is

perma-reserved

for dates, just in case.

True False

3

You can’t remember

the last time

a romantic prospect

lasted beyond

two dates...or the

last time you

were really psyched

about one.

True False

IF YOU ANSWERED

MOSTLY TRUE

Pause! Take a breath,

step back, and give

yourself time to

reconnect with a world

where your weekends are

yours and yours alone.

IF YOU ANSWERED

MOSTLY FALSE

Overall, the process of

finding someone is still

enjoyable for you. Keep

having fun, as long

as you’re still spending

more time relishing and

less time stressing.

ILLUSTRATION BY MATT CHASE