Your Baby – July 2019

FEATURES YB

JULY & AUGUST 2019 | 21

A new direction in discipline

• Allow your child to feel heard and
  understood. If they are verbal, try to find
  out what your child is feeling by really
  listening and helping them talk about it.
  If not, give them the words, such as “I
  know you are feeling angry right now.”


• Focus on their “good” behaviour rather
  than only reacting to “bad” behaviour to
  avoid them using negative actions as
  a way to get your attention.


• Find positive ways to say things rather
  than using “no” or “don’t” all the time;
  for instance, rather than, “Sit up straight”
  or “Don’t slouch”, you might say, “When
  you sit up straight in the chair your back
  grows nice and strong.”
  
  
  • Stay calm, and don’t take their
    resistance personally. They’re just
    struggling with wanting to feel in control
    of their world.
  
  
  • Be a role model. If they see you acting
    in ways that don’t match what you say,
    they might resist what you tell them. They
    are more likely to copy what you do.
  
  
  • Keep material rewards to a minimum,
    or your child may learn to do things only
    if there is the promise of a treat.
  
  
  • Choose your moment to talk about
    rules. When your child is upset or having
    strong feelings is not the best time.
  
  
  • Don’t send mixed messages. Laughing
    at what your child is doing while saying
    “no” will be confusing.
  
  
  
  

UNDERSTANDING THEIR ACTIONS
We can also be way more effective
when we look at our toddler’s actions
from their level of understanding,
she suggests. “We will often tell them
to ‘hurry up’ or use long-winded
explanations of what we want them
to do, which can be very confusing
to them.
“Young children need short, specific
and concrete instructions in order to
understand,” she explains.
Gail recommends keeping your
instructions to a minimum of five words
where possible.
“Avoid using the words ‘right or
wrong’ or another favourite word we
throw around, ‘appropriate’.
“Simply saying, ‘we don’t draw on
walls’ is clear.”
Part of the framework you are
putting in place is the concept of life’s
consequences, rather than “paying for
their crime” that takes on the form
of “punishment”.
When the focus is on the punishment,
they lose the life lesson. Gail facilitates
workshops on balancing discipline,
and developing your child’s inner
motivation. These workshops
underscore the importance of focusing
on your child’s interpretation of
discipline. That is what determines its
effectiveness. That is what will influence
your child’s confidence.
“Our goal is to teach them how
to think, not necessarily to stop all
misbehaviour,” she says.

TEACH, DON’T ENFORCE
A fear-based “punishment model” may
teach them to listen to your instructions
in that moment, but this can create
issues during adolescence.
“Teaching them to ‘listen to

instructions’ can cause them to be

vulnerable in the teenage years, when

their focus moves away from parents

towards their friends.

“Teaching them to think for

themselves rather than listen to

instructions is what will keep them safe

in this phase,” Gail says.

Teaching your child about

consequences is important. To refine

your approach here, you need to keep

three things in mind, recommends

Parenting SA: the consequences should

be safe for your child, they should be

implemented as soon as possible after

the “misbehaviour”, and they should fit

the behaviour and help your child know

how to do it better in future.

DISCIPLINING EFFECTIVELY

Positive discipline, or what Gail prefers

to call “effective discipline” is not an

alternative form of punishment – it

avoids the perception that punishment

creates. It assumes that children want

to behave well but need guidance in

understanding how to do so.

“We want to teach our children to

understand the impact of their actions

and become able to solve problems for

themselves. Although punishment may

stop the unwanted behaviour, it does

not help children understand how their

behaviour affects others or why it is

not appropriate,” she says.

A mix of approaches to teaching

consequences may be the way to

work with your toddler, as different

children, and those of different ages, are

motivated by different approaches.

“Time out”, for example, requires

children to have time on their own to

think about what they’ve done and how

to change the action in future. However,

toddlers don’t always have the emotional

capacity to problem solve or manage

their emotions on their own.

Parenting SA recommends a “time in”

approach instead.

It means removing them from

a situation where they are not coping

well, but staying with them to help settle

them, which helps them learn to manage

strong feelings and difficult situations.

Once they are calm, you can talk with

them about what happened and what

they could do next time. The positives?

It teaches your child that you will not let

them do anything to harm themselves or

others and shows them that you will not

let their feelings drive you away.

Distraction or re-direction is also

appropriate for toddlers, according to

Parenting SA. For example, instead of

telling them not to play with the TV

remote, give them a toy or item they can

play with. Gail says while this may take

the potential for a confrontation away,

it is important to make sure your child

does not lose the life lesson. Find a time

to teach them, “We don’t play with TV

remotes because they can break.”

SMACKING: BEWARE

In South Africa, many of us were raised

with physical punishment as a form

of teaching us consequences. While it

may stop the behaviour in the moment,

again the child will not learn how to act

differently in future and may take on

other negative behaviour in response –

such as blaming their actions on others

to avoid the smack. It can lead to anxiety,

feelings of shame, anger and resentment,

and teaches them that aggression is

appropriate. And, hear this – harsh

or excessive physical punishment is

considered to be child abuse under

South African law.

Smacking your child may get an

instant reaction from them in the

moment, but does it really teach them

what you want them to learn? Smacks

are usually our reaction from our own

anger or frustration. Gail says that anger

often pops out when we’ve had a rough

day, when we have been overworking or

when we’re tired.

Practising self-care is the most

important step in parenting and will

prevent our anger from boiling over.

Also, learning to put in effective

boundaries way before we get to anger is

the answer.

It turns out that parenting our kids

can teach us a lot about ourselves, our

own discipline and self-control too. YB

Source: Parenting SA