12 Rules for Life (Full) ENGLISH

your boss, or your husband, or your wife, or your child, or your parents. It
might mean gathering some evidence, strategically, so that when you
confront that person, you can give them several examples of their
misbehaviour (at least three), so they can’t easily weasel out of your
accusations. It might mean failing to concede when they offer you their
counterarguments. People rarely have more than four at hand. If you remain
unmoved, they get angry, or cry, or run away. It’s very useful to attend to
tears in such situations. They can be used to motivate guilt on the part of the
accuser due, theoretically, to having caused hurt feelings and pain. But tears
are often shed in anger. A red face is a good cue. If you can push your point
past the first four responses and stand fast against the consequent emotion,
you will gain your target’s attention—and, perhaps, their respect. This is
genuine conflict, however, and it’s neither pleasant nor easy.
You must also know clearly what you want out of the situation, and be
prepared to clearly articulate your desire. It’s a good idea to tell the person
you are confronting exactly what you would like them to do instead of what
they have done or currently are doing. You might think, “if they loved me,
they would know what to do.” That’s the voice of resentment. Assume
ignorance before malevolence. No one has a direct pipeline to your wants and
needs—not even you. If you try to determine exactly what you want, you
might find that it is more difficult than you think. The person oppressing you
is likely no wiser than you, especially about you. Tell them directly what
would be preferable, instead, after you have sorted it out. Make your request
as small and reasonable as possible—but ensure that its fulfillment would
satisfy you. In that manner, you come to the discussion with a solution,
instead of just a problem.
Agreeable, compassionate, empathic, conflict-averse people (all those traits
group together) let people walk on them, and they get bitter. They sacrifice
themselves for others, sometimes excessively, and cannot comprehend why
that is not reciprocated. Agreeable people are compliant, and this robs them
of their independence. The danger associated with this can be amplified by
high trait neuroticism. Agreeable people will go along with whoever makes a
suggestion, instead of insisting, at least sometimes, on their own way. So,
they lose their way, and become indecisive and too easily swayed. If they are,
in addition, easily frightened and hurt, they have even less reason to strike out
on their own, as doing so exposes them to threat and danger (at least in the