Seven naslovi

• Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor,
  amusement, or affection.


• You become even more unbudgeable over time, which leads
  you to vilify each other during these conversations.


• This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your position
  and polarized, more extreme in your view, and all the less
  willing to compromise.


• Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.

If this sounds painfully familiar, take comfort in knowing that
there is a way out of gridlock, no matter how entrenched in it you
are. As you'll see when we get to Principle 6, all you need is
motivation and a willingness to explore the hidden issues that are
really causing the gridlock. The key will be to uncover and share with
each other the significant personal dreams you have for your life. I
have found that unrequited dreams are at the core of every
gridlocked conflict. In other words, the endless argument symbolizes
some profound difference between you that needs to be addressed
before you can put the problem in its place.

Solvable problems

These problems may sound relatively simple compared with
unsolvable ones, but they can cause a great deal of pain between
husband and wife. Just because a problem is solvable doesn't mean it
gets resolved. When a solvable problem causes excessive tension, it's
because the couple haven't learned effective techniques for
conquering it. They aren't to blame--far too many of the conflict
resolution ideas recommended by marriage manuals and therapists
are not easy to master or apply. Most of these strategies focus on
validating your partner's perspective and learning to be a good
listener. There's nothing wrong with this--except that it's very hard
for most people to do at any time, much less when they're distressed.
My fifth principle for making marriage work tackles solvable
problems head on. It offers an alternative approach to conflict