the same questions about their early years, it became clear that their
love was gone. They could remember very little about the beginning
of their relationship. When asked what they used to do when they
were dating, they gave each other a brief "help me out here" glance
and then sat silently, racking their brains for an answer. Peter couldn't
remember a single thing he admired about Cynthia back then. Their
marriage was not salvageable.
I've found 94 percent of the time that couples
who put a positive spin on their marriage's history
are likely to have a happy future as well. When
happy memories are distorted, it's a sign
that the marriage needs help.In contrast, when another couple in my newlywed study,
Michael and Justine, were asked about their history, they glowed.
Their wedding was "perfect," the honeymoon was "fabulous." What's
telling isn't just that they feel positive about their early years, but how
vivid their memories are. Justine recalls that they had gone to the
same high school, he a few years ahead of her. He was a big sports
hero. She had such a crush on him that she had clipped his picture
from the newspaper and kept it in a scrapbook. (She confessed and
showed him the scrapbook on their fourth date.) They met formally a
few years later, when she tagged along with his foster sister (a friend
of hers) who was going to visit him at college for the weekend.
Michael sensed right away that Justine was the one, but he
worried that she wouldn't like him. She recounts with a giggle
discovering the letter he slipped under her leather purse at the end of
that weekend to let her know how he felt about her."I was never very
aggressive about chasing women," he says. "She was the first girl I
ever actually pursued. That's how I knew something was different
about this one."
They recall the long walks and talks they had, the letters they
wrote every day while he was at school. The only bad part of those
days, says Michael, was "being away from Justine. Just missing her a
lot."You can hear Justine's fondness, pride, and admiration for