The Whole-Brain Child

the mindsight skills that are necessary for participating as a
contributing member of a family. His parents’ expectation was that
by the time he was seven, he’d be more integrated into the family
and willing to be a part of a “we.” While he’s steadily improving
his relational intelligence, he needs practice to keep moving in that
direction.
The same goes for a shy child. Lisa, a mom we know, has
pictures of one of her sons at his friend’s fourth-birthday party. All
of the children are gathered in a tight circle around a young woman
dressed like Dora the Explorer. All, that is, except for Lisa’s son
Ian, who insisted on standing six feet away from the circle of not-
so-shy kids. It was the same at his toddler music class. While the
other children sang and danced and itsy-bitsy-spidered their little
hands oʃ, Ian sat in his mom’s lap and refused to do anything more
than timidly observe.
In those years, Lisa and her husband had to walk the line
between encouraging new relationships and pushing too hard. But
by giving their son repeated opportunities to interact with other
children and to ɹgure out how to make friends, all while
supporting and comforting him when he was nervous or afraid,
they helped their young introvert develop the social skills he
needed. And while these days Ian is still not quick to dive headɹrst
into new social situations, he is very comfortable with himself, and
even outgoing at times. He looks people in the eye when he talks
to them, raises his hand in class, and is even frequently the
ringleader in the dugout for a (very enthusiastic) rendition of
“Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”
Researchers who study human personality tell us that shyness is
to a large extent genetic. It’s actually a part of a person’s core
makeup present at birth. However, as in the case of Ian, that
doesn’t mean that shyness isn’t changeable to a signiɹcant degree.
In fact, the way parents handle their child’s shyness has a big