The Conscious Parent

my report card, I flew into the house and straight into my mother’s arms.
With her typical exuberance, my mother danced with me, matching my
happiness with hers. I imagined my father would also dance, shout, and
jump up and down with glee. Instead he smiled and said, “The A’s are
fine, but what’s more important is that you feel you learned the best way
you could.”
My jaw dropped, my shoulders drooped, and my mother grumbled at
him, “Why can’t you just say you are excited and show her how happy
you are?” I couldn’t understand why my father had to be such a spirit-
dampener.
It was only when I was in my late teens that I realized what my father
was saying. You see, this was always his response, regardless of my
grade. Even when I got a C, he would say, “The C is fine, but what is
more important is that you feel you learned the best way you could.” Of
course, when my grade was a C, his even-tempered response came as a
relief! In the most subtle of manners, he was teaching me not to attach
myself to the A or the C, but to focus instead on the process of learning.
Simultaneously, I was learning from him to determine my own
internal hallmark for success rather than relying on an external standard.
I was discovering that embracing the task of learning is what really
matters. Since it was abundantly clear that my father’s approval of me
was unaffected by the grades I brought home, I never felt any fear when
my report card came out. Since my father had no great expectations of
my grades, the absence of fear that I enjoyed allowed me not only to
derive pleasure from learning, but also to surpass my own expectations.
This approach is bound to generate anxiety in parents. We are afraid