I can see how overwhelmed you are
I can see you are anxious about your exam tomorrow.It’s important to be aware that often these reflective statements are
infused with our own ego, with its need to control. It isn’t easy to reflect
back a person’s feelings and thoughts without contaminating them with
our own. In fact, if we listen closely to the above statements, we will see
that some of them can appear patronizing or judgmental.
For instance, if someone says to us, “I notice you are angry right now,”
and we feel they are coming from a place of judgment or being
patronizing, we are likely to resent them for coming across as superior
and clam up. Or we may explode at them for saying such a thing. In
response to a statement such as, “I can see you are upset” or “I want you
to know that you appear very irritated at this moment,” we may similarly
feel patronized and react by saying, “You’re damned right I am!”
To make truly reflective statements to our children, we need to be
aware of our own anxiety and ego. Otherwise, instead of allowing our
children to have their experience, and being completely accepting of
them as they go through it, we will unconsciously patronize or judge
them, which may cause them to disengage from their feelings about the
experience. In other words, when we make reflective statements, it’s
important to be aware of the place from which we make them. Is it our
intention to join with our children as they go through an experience? Or
is it our desire, however unconscious, to separate ourselves from their
experience and consequently deter them from experiencing what they are
going through?