The Conscious Parent

independent, but also stubborn, willful, and even hotheaded. In these
cases, parents have to be more forceful while still being kind, a tough
balancing act. It’s crucial that any discipline is coupled with plenty of
connection in a relaxed atmosphere.
Sometimes our children go through a rebellious phase during which we
find ourselves continually having to say “no.” As long as this is only a
phase, it’s all right for a parent to be firm with a child on a day-in, day-
out basis. The problem is that many parents lose their stamina after a few
days. The child, having outmaneuvered its tired parents, then feels
empowered to continue its difficult behavior.
If our children are being defiant, we need to pause, take a breath, and
ask ourselves, “Has a main rule been violated or just a flexible rule?” If a
child refuses to heed our “no” on an issue that matters, action is required.
In the case of a flexible rule, we are wise to practice the art of either
negotiation or surrender.
When action is required, it may be in the form of separating from the
child by taking an adult time-out, or having a serious dialogue about how
the object of distraction—the toy, television, or computer—is having an
adverse impact. We have to learn how to say “no” and really mean it, in
a voice that’s neither hesitant nor dogmatic. When our children observe
how we match our words with action, they associate the two. Action is
most effective when it’s neither punitive nor tyrannical, but consistent
and firm.
In learning to cope with the word “no,” children need the time and
space to find their own self-soothing mechanisms, which will allow them
to return to being centered. I tell my daughter, “I cannot take away your