and hurt toward Dan. She felt a twinge of desire to tell Nicole how
irresponsible she believes Dan to be. She wanted to scream out, “Your
dad is messing up your life! Look at me! I’m the one who really cares!”
Instead, Jen walked the much healthier and nobler path. Why? Because
she realizes that each time she criticizes Dan, she drives Nicole further
away. Even though Dad rescues and excuses Nicole from her poor
decisions, he’s an important part of her life. If Mom were to bad-mouth
him, it would do much more damage than his rescuing behavior. Nicole
will learn some positive things from Dad, and from Mom she will learn
how to take good care of herself and be responsible. Mom’s staying out
of the blame game will allow Nicole to sit back, watch her parents, and
gather what’s good from each. After all, isn’t that what we all want for
our kids?
Naturally, if, for example, the mother provides the child more rules or
is forceful about higher expectations, the child will often say, “I like
Dad’s place better.” Human nature pines for freedom — even the
freedom to be self-destructive. A loving parent needs to assure her child
by recognizing the feelings, explaining the situation, and sticking to her
guns with high expectations, perhaps by saying something along the lines
of:
Honey, I’m sure that in some ways, Dad’s home is more fun, and it
must be irritating to be expected to do all the chores you do here. I
can understand that. The wonderful thing is, down deep, I know that
you realize that when you do all the things I ask, it helps you grow to
be a helpful and responsible adult. Thanks for your understanding.Recognize, too, that sometimes the structured parent doesn’t provide
her child the freedom to explore. The child will have opportunities to
choose and learn from mistakes that the other home offers. The important
issue is that children learn to recognize that when in Rome, you do as the
Romans do: Different expectations occur in different locations, and that’s
life.