and enthusiasm and is now an accomplished psychologist, public speaker,
and author of several books.
As parents, we play an integral part in the building of a positive self-
concept in our children. In our words and through our actions, in how we
encourage and how we model, the messages we give our kids shape the
way they feel about themselves. Unfortunately, many of the really
powerful messages we send our children have covert negative meanings.
We may mean well, but sometimes the words we use and the way we
phrase them are received by our children as something totally different
from what we meant to say. This is one of the severe tragedies of parent-
child relationships.
For example, a simple question such as, “What are you doing that for?”
packs a double meaning. The overt message seems like a simple question.
However, what our child hears underneath is, “You’re not very
competent.” When we say, “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a
thousand times,” the implication is, “You’re pretty dumb, and your
neurons work sluggishly.”
Such implied messages are put-downs, the kind of messages that would
make us fighting mad if they were said to us by a supervisor or a
coworker. We can lace these messages with as much syrup as the human
voice is capable of carrying — “Now, honey, you’re not going without
your coat today, are you?” — but the implied message still shines
through; namely, “You’re not smart enough to know whether or not your
own body is hot or cold.” The ultimate implied message says, “I’m bigger
than you are. I’m more powerful than you are. I have more authority, and
I can make you do things.”
Whenever we order our children to “Shut up!” “Stop arguing!” or
“Turn off the television!” we’re sending a message that slashes into their
self-concept. Why is this? Because, when we give children orders, we are
saying:
• “You don’t take suggestions.”
• “You can’t figure out the answer for yourself.”