every negative one (and, by the way, a count is one negative
comment). These positive remarks don’t have to be made at the same
time, of course. They can be made later. If the three-to-one ratio idea
doesn’t appeal to you, a second strategy is to have a quota system.
Each day you make a deal with yourself that you will make at least
five positive comments to each child (and consider doing the same
with your spouse).
Make sure your kids get the home-field advantage!
- Simple Requests
The problem with simple requests is that they are not so simple.
Parental requests to children can be made more or less effective by
the parent’s tone of voice, the spontaneity of the request, and the
phrasing of the demand.
We all have different voices. When she was younger, my daughter
had several different variations of the simple expression, “Dad!” One
“Dad!” meant “I’m excited and want to show you something.”
Another “Dad!” meant “I want assistance because my brother is
teasing me.” And yet a third “Dad!” (during her teen years) meant,
“Cool it, old-timer, you’re embarrassing me in public!”
Parents have different voices too. The voice we’re concerned about
here is called “chore voice.” Chore voice has a quality of “You’re not
doing what I expect and it’s really irritating and what’s the matter
with you and when are you going to learn...” and so on. Chore voice
has an aggravated, nagging, and anxious tone that most children find
annoying. When this parental tone of voice is coupled with a request,
it makes cooperation less likely because you are now asking an angry
child to cooperate.
A good antidote to chore voice is a businesslike, matter-of-fact
presentation. “John, it is now time to start your homework” or
“Taylor, bedtime.” This tone of voice implies, “You may not like this,
but it’s got to be done now.” Testing is much less likely when