Family Matters 213speak only for yourself, using “I” statements, such as “I
worry about your getting to bed so late” or “I feel very
hurt when you say that.” If your child does need help ar-
ticulating his needs or frustrations, your attempts to as-
sist him should be framed tentatively (“Correct me if I’m
wrong, but I think what you may be trying to say is...”
or “Maybe what you’re frustrated about is...”) and
should involve an absolute minimum of psychologizing
and value judgments. You’re also going to need someone
to keep conversations on track so they don’t swing off the
topic. Now, a therapist could be that someone for an
hour or two a week. But ultimately, it’s going to have to
be a family member, and as you may expect, parents are
the early frontrunners for this position. Many of the ex-
plosions that occur in interactions with explosive chil-
dren have little to do with the issues that were the main
topic of conversation in the first place. When issues are
brought up in a way that doesn’t elicit defensiveness,
most of these children are willing or even eager to talk
about important desired topics such as these:
- How they can handle frustration and think things
through more adaptively and how you might be able
to help. - How you’d like to start trying to resolve disagree-
ments in a mutually satisfactory manner through
civil discussion.