The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Anxiety

Advanced Mindfulness Skills 103

Let’s look at the third sentence. Instead of saying “Sometimes you make me so upset I just
want to end it all,” say “I feel so upset and hopeless sometimes that I get very depressed.”
And finally, look at the last sentence. Instead of saying “I know that you did that to me on
purpose just to hurt me,” say “I felt very hurt when you did that.”
Again, mindful “I” statements are more accurate about how you feel, they are less judgmental,
the other person will probably be more willing and able to listen to you if you use them, and most
importantly, you are more likely to get your needs met if you use them.

Exercise: Mindful “I” Statements

Now let’s look at some more judgmental “you” statements and have you practice turning them into
mindful “I” statements. Write your alternative mindful “I” statement in the space to the right of
the judgmental statement.

1. “You make me feel horrible.”

2. “I know you’re doing this on purpose to make me go crazy.”

3. “Why do you keep making me feel so angry?”

4. “You’re being insulting.”

5. “Stop fooling around; you’re getting on my nerves.”

6. “If you don’t listen to what I’m telling you, I’m not going to talk to you anymore.”

7. “You’re being a jerk, stop it.”

8. “You’re such a @%&!*#!, I can’t believe it.”

9. “Why do you keep doing that to me?”

10. “Sometimes I feel like you’re being too inflexible.”

How did you do? Did it get harder to think of mindful “I” statements as the exercise pro-
gressed? Some of the later sentences probably required extra thinking. Let’s look at some possible
answers.
The first sentence was easy. The message is that the speaker feels horrible. So an alternative
mindful “I” statement could be “I feel horrible” or “I feel horrible sometimes, when you (say that,
do that, and so on).”
In the second sentence, the speaker feels crazy, anxious, or upset. So an alternative mindful
“I” statement could be “I feel crazy/anxious/upset when you do that.”
In the third sentence, the speaker feels angry. So an alternative mindful “I” statement could
be “I feel angry right now.”