1 50 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
"Really? From the way you're saying that, it doesn't sound like
you are."
We explain that while the person may be saying one thing, his
or her tone of voice or body posture suggests something else. In
doing so, we show respect and concern for him or her.
The most important element of mirroring is our tone of voice.
It is not the fact that we are acknowledging others' emotions that
creates safety. We create safety when our tone of voice says we're
okay with them feeling the way they're feeling. If we do this well,
they may conclude that rather than acting out their emotions,
they can confidently talk them out with us instead.
So as we describe what we see, we have to do so calmly. If we
act upset or as if we're not going to like what others say, we don't
build safety. We confirm their suspicions that they need to
remain silent.
Examples of mirroring include:
"You say you're okay, but by the tone of your voice, you
seem upset."
"You seem angry at me."
"You look nervous about confronting him. Are you sure
you're willing to do it?"�ara phrase to Acknowledge the Story
Asking and mirroring may help you get part of the other person's
story out into the open. When you get a clue about why the per
son is feeling as he or she does, you can build additional safety
by paraphrasing what you've heard. Be careful not to simply par
rot back what was said. Instead, put the message in your own
words-usually in an abbreviated form.
"Let's see if I've got this right. You're upset because I've
voiced my concern about some of the clothes you wear. And
this seems controlling or old-fashioned to you."