156 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSFrom here, the conversation goes to the real issues, parent and
daughter discuss what's really going on, and both come to a better
understanding of each other.
REMEMBER YOUR ABCs
Let's say you did your level best to make it safe for the other per
son to talk. After asking, mirroring, paraphrasing, and eventually
priming, the other person opened up and shared his or her path.
It's now your turn to talk. But what if you disagree? Some of the
other person's facts are wrong, and his or her stories are com
pletely fouled up. Well, at least they're a lot different from the
story you've been telling. Now what?
Agree
As you watch families and work groups take part in heated
debates, it's common to notice a rather intriguing phenomenon.
Although the various parties you're observing are violently argu
ing, in truth, they're in violent agreement. They actually agree on
every important point, but they're still fighting. They've found a
way to turn subtle differences into a raging debate.
For example, last night your teenage son broke his curfew
again. You and your spouse have spent the morning arguing
about the infraction. Last time James came in late, you agreed to
ground him, but today you're upset because it seems like your
spouse is backpedaling by suggesting that James still be able to
attend a football camp this week. Turns out it was just a misun
derstanding. You and your spouse agree to the grounding-the
central issue. You thought your spouse was reneging on the agree
ment when, in truth, you just hadn't actually resolved the date the
grounding would start. You had to step back and listen to what