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Neither was taking responsibility for his or her own feelings and
communicating them.
We do not communicate our feelings by saying, “I feel that
you.. .” We communicate our feelings by saying, “I feel sad, or
hurt, or lonely, or scared, or.. .” Such vulnerability is the begin-
ning of intimacy and caring.
Feelings are also a warning signal telling us that we need to
do something. For example, if you are angry at someone for
something she did, it is your responsibility to go to her and tell
her you are angry and why. If you think that your anger is her
problem and that she needs to fix it, you may wait years. And
your anger may turn to bitterness. If you are angry, even if
someone else has sinned against you, it is your responsibility to
do something about it.
This was a lesson Susan needed to learn. When her husband,
Jim, did not come home from work early enough for them to
have time together, Susan became angry. Instead of confronting
her husband, she would become very quiet for the rest of the
evening. Jim became annoyed with having to pull out of her what
was wrong. Eventually, hating her pouting, he left her alone.
Not dealing with hurt or anger can kill a relationship. Susan
needed to talk with Jim about how she was feeling, instead of
waiting for him to draw her out. Even though she felt he had
been the one who had hurt her, she needed to take responsibil-
ity for her own hurt and anger.
Jim and Susan did not solve their problem by her simply
expressing her anger to him. She needed to go one more step.
She needed to clarify her desires in the conflict.
Desires
Desires are another element of personhood that each spouse
needs to take responsibility for. Susan was angry because she
wanted Jim to be home. She blamed him for being late. When
they came in for counseling, our conversation went like this:
“Susan, tell me why you get angry at Jim,” I said.
“Because he’s late,” she replied.
Boundaries