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spouses will do more than they really want to and then resent
the other for not stopping them from overgiving.
Bob had this problem. His wife, Nancy, wanted the perfect
home, including handmade patios, landscaping, and remodel-
ing. She was always coming up with something for him to do
around the house. He was beginning to resent her projects.
When he came to see me, I asked him why he was angry.
“Well, because she wants so much. I can’t find any time for
myself,” he said.
“What do you mean ‘can’t’? Don’t you mean ‘won’t’?”
“No, I can’t. She would be angry if I didn’t do the work.”
“Well, that’s her problem; it’s her anger.”
“Yes, but I have to listen to it.”
“No, you don’t,” I said. “You are choosing to do all of these
things for her, and you are choosing to take the tongue lashings
that happen if you don’t. Any time you spend doing things for
her is a gift from you; if you do not want to give it, you don’t
have to. Stop blaming her for all of this.”
Bob didn’t like that. He wanted her to stop wanting instead
of his learning to say no.
“How much time do you want to give her each week for
home improvement?” I asked.
He thought for a minute. “About four hours. I could work
on things for her and still have a little time left for a hobby.”
“Then tell her that you have been thinking about your time
and that with all the other things you are doing for the family,
you would like to give her four hours a week to work around the
house. She is free to use that time any way she chooses.”
“But what if she says that four hours is not enough?”
“Explain to her that you understand that this may not be
enough time to complete all the jobs she wants done, but those
are her wants, not yours. Therefore, she is responsible for her
own wants, and she is free to be creative in how she gets them
done. She could earn some extra money and hire someone. She
could learn to do them herself. She could ask a friend to help. Or,
she could cut down on her wants. It is important that she learns
Boundaries