154cards or tell her she needs to get a second job to pay the bills.
These spouses all need to let the out-of-control spouses suffer
the consequences of their actions.
A friend of mine decided to let his wife suffer the conse-
quences of her chronic lateness. He had nagged and nagged his
wife about her tardiness, to no avail. Finally, he realized he
could not change her; he could only change his response to her.
Tired of suffering the consequences of her behavior, he decided
to give them back to her.
One night they had plans to go to a banquet, and he did not
want to be late. In advance, he told her that he wanted to be on
time and that if she were not ready by 6:00 P.M., he would leave
without her. She was late, and he left. When he came home that
night, she screamed, “How could you leave without me!” He let
her know that her lateness was what caused her to miss the ban-
quet and that he was sad to have to go alone, but he did not want
to miss the dinner. After a few more incidents like this, she knew
that her lateness would affect her and not him, and she changed.
These moves are not manipulative, as the other spouse will
accuse. They are examples of someone limiting how they will allow
themselves to be treated and exhibiting self-control. The natural
consequences are falling on the shoulders of the responsible party.
The Law of Responsibility
We talked earlier about taking responsibility for ourselves
and having responsibility to others. The above examples show
that. People who set limits exhibit self-control and show respon-
sibility for themselves. They act responsible to their partner by
confronting him or her. Setting limits is an act of love in the
marriage; by binding and limiting the evil, they protect the good.
Taking responsibility for someone’s anger, pouting, and dis-
appointments by giving in to that person’s demands or control-
ling behavior destroys love in a marriage. Instead of taking
responsibility for people we love, or rescuing them, we need to
show responsibility to them by confronting evil when we see it.
Boundaries