73How often do we hear the statement that “God loves the sin-
ner, but hates the sin”? It’s true. His love is constant and “never
fails” (1 Cor. 13:8). When parents detach from a misbehaving
young child instead of staying connected and dealing with the
problem, God’s constant love is misrepresented. When parents
pull away in hurt, disappointment, or passive rage, they are
sending this message to their youngster: You’re loveable when
you behave. You aren’t loveable when you don’t behave.
The child translates that message something like this: When
I’m good, I am loved. When I’m bad, I am cut off.
Put yourself in the child’s place. What would you do? It’s not
a difficult decision. God created people with a need for attach-
ment and relationship. Parents who pull away from their child
are, in essence, practicing spiritual and emotional blackmail.
The child can either pretend to not disagree and keep the rela-
tionship, or he can continue to separate and lose his most impor-
tant relationship in the world. He will most likely keep quiet.
Children whose parents withdraw when they start setting
limits learn to accentuate and develop their compliant, loving,
sensitive parts. At the same time, they learn to fear, distrust, and
hate their aggressive, truth-telling, and separate parts. If some-
one they love pulls away when they become angry, cantanker-
ous, or experimental, children learn to hide these parts of
themselves.
Parents who tell their children, “It hurts us when you’re
angry” make the child responsible for the emotional health of the
parent. In effect, the child has just been made the parent of the
parent—sometimes at two or three years old. It’s far, far better
to say, “I know you’re angry, but you still can’t have that toy.” And
then to take your hurt feelings to a spouse, friend, or the Lord.
By nature, children are omnipotent. They live in a world
where the sun shines because they were good, and it rains
because they were naughty. Children will give up this omnipo-
tence gradually over time, as they learn that needs and events
besides theirs are important. But during the early years, this
omnipotence plays right into boundary injury. When children
feel parents withdrawing, they readily believe that they are
How Boundaries Are Developed