wasfueledbymyangerthatshewasupsetwithme.Shearguedthataggressivestocksweretoorisky.But
reallyshewasupsetthatIwouldconsiderthisinvestmentwithoutexploringherideasonthesubject.In
additionshewasupsetthatIwasnotrespectingherrighttobeupset.EventuallyIbecamesoupsetthat
sheapologizedtomeformisunderstandingandmistrustingmeandwecooleddown.
Lateron,afterwehadmadeup,sheposedthisquestion.Shesaid,"Manytimeswhenweargue,itseems
thatIgetupsetaboutsomething,andthenyougetupsetthatIamupset,andthenIhavetoapologizefor
upsettingyou.SomehowIthinksomethingismissing.SometimesIwouldlikeyoutotellmeyouaresorry
forupsettingme."
ImmediatelyIsawthelogicofherpointofview.Expectinganapologyfromherdidseemratherunfair,
especiallywhenIupsetherfirst.Thisnewinsighttransformedourrelationship.AsIsharedthisexperience
inmyseminarsIdiscoveredthatthousandsofwomencouldimmediatelyidentifywithmywife'sexperience.
Itwasanothercommonmale/femalepattern.Let'sreviewthebasicpattern.
I.Awomanexpressesherupsetfeelingsabout"XYZ"
2 .Amanexplainswhysheshouldn'tbeupsetabout"XYZ."
3 .Shefeelsinvalidatedandbecomesmoreupset. (Sheisnowmoreupsetaboutbeinginvalidatedthan
about"XYz.")
4 .Hefeelsherdisapprovalandbecomesupset.Heblamesherforupsettinghimandexpectsanapology
beforemakingup.
5 .Sheapologizesandwonderswhathappened,orshebecomesmoreupsetandtheargumentescalates
intoabattle.
Withaclearerawarenessoftheanatomyofanargument,Iwasabletosolvethisprobleminafairerway.
RememberingthatwomenarefromVenus,Ipracticednotblamingherforbeingupset.InsteadIwould
seektounderstandhowIhadupsetherandshowherthatIcared.Evenifshewasmisunderstandingme,
ifshefelthurtbymeIneededtoletherknowthatIcaredandwassorry.
WhenshewouldbecomeupsetIlearnedfirsttolisten,thengenuinelytotrytounderstandwhatshewas
upsetabout,andthentosay."I'msorrythatIupsetyouwhenIsaid_."Theresultwasimmediate.We
arguedmuchless.
Sometimes,however,apologizingisverydifficult.AtthosetimesItakeadeepbreathandsaynothing.
InsideItrytoimaginehowshefeelsanddiscoverthereasonsfromherpointofview.ThenIsay,"I'm
sorryyoufeelsoupset."Althoughthisisnotanapologyitdoessay"Icare,"andthatseemstohelpalot.
Men rarely say "I'm sorry" because on Mars itmeans you have done something wrong and you are
apologizing. Women,however,say “I'm sorry"asawaytosay"Icareaboutwhatyouarefeeling”. It