Ifitupsetshershecouldsay"Iknowyouneedto
pullawayattimesbutitstillhurtswhenyoupull
away. I'm not saying you are wrong but it is
importanttomeforyoutounderstandwhatIgo
through."
Hesays"IunderstandithurtswhenIpullaway.It
mustbe very painful for you when I pull away.
Let'stalkaboutit."(Whenshefeelsheardthenitis
easierforhertoaccepthisneedtopullaway at
times.)4 .WhenHeDisappointsHer
Herrhetoricalquestion Themessagehehears
Whenhedisappointsher,shesays"Howcouldyou
dothis?" or"Whycan'tyoudowhatyousayyou
aregoingtodo?''or"Didn'tyousayyouwoulddo
it?"or"Whenwillyoueverlearn?"
Themessagehehearsis"Thereisnogoodreason
fordisappointingme.Youareanidiot.Youcan'tdo
anythingright.Ican'tbehappyuntilyouchange!"Whatheexplains Themessageshehears
When she is disappointed withhim, he explains
"Hey,nexttimeI'llget.itright"or"It'snotsucha
bigdeal"or "ButI didn'tknowwhat you meant."
Whatshehearsis"Ifyouareupsetitisyourfault.
You should be more flexible. You shouldn't get
upset,andIhavenoempathyforyou."Howshecanbelessdisapproving Howhecanbemorevalidating
Ifshe is upset shecould say "I don'tlikebeing
disappointed.Ithoughtyouweregoingtocall.It's
OK and I need you to know how it feels when
you..."
He says "I understand I disappointed you. Let's
talkaboutit.Howdidyoufeel?"Againlethertalk.
Giveherachancetobeheardandshewillfeel
better.Afterawhilesaytoher"Whatdoyouneed
frommenowtofeelmysupport?"or"HowcanI
supportyounow?"5 .WhenHeDoesn'tRespectHerFeelingsandHurtsHer
Herrhetoricalquestion Themessagehehears
Whenhedoesn'trespectherfeelingsandhurtsher.
shesays"Howcouldyousaythat?"or"Howcould
youtreatmethisway?"or"Whycan'tyoulistento
me?"or"Doyouevencareaboutmeanymore?"or
"DoItreatyouthisway?"
The message he hears is "You are a bad and
abusive person. I am so much morelovingthan
you.Iwillneverforgiveyouforthis.Youshouldbe
punishedandcastout.Thisisallyourfault."Whatheexplains Themessageshehears