CCCChhhhapapapaptttteeeerrrr 11110000 SSSSccccoooorrrriiiinnnnggggPPPPoioioioinnnnttttsssswwwwiiiitttthhhh tttthhhheeeeOOOOppppppppososososiiiitttteeeeSSSSeeeexxxx

Amantttthhhhiiiinnnnkkkksssshescoreshighwithawomanwhenhedoessomethingverybigforher,likebuyinghera
new car ortaking heron avacation. Heassumeshescoresless when hedoessomethingsmall, like
openingthecardoor,buyingheraflower,orgivingherahug.Basedonthiskindofscorekeeping,he
believeshewillfulfillherbestbyfocusinghistime,energy,andattentionintodoingsomethinglargefor
her.Thisformula,however,doesn'tworkbecausewomenkeepscoredifferently.

Whenawomankeepsscore,nomatterhowbigorsmallagiftofloveis,itscoresonepoint;eachgifthas
equalvalue.Itssizedoesn'tmatter;itgetsapoint.Aman,however,thinkshescoresonepointforone
smallgiftandthirtypointsforabiggift.Sincehedoesn'tunderstandthatwomenkeepscoredifferently,he
naturallyfocuseshisenergiesintooneortwobiggifts.

Amandoesn'trealizethattoawomanthelittlethingsarejustasimportantasthebigthings.Inother
words,toawoman,asinglerosegetsasmanypointsaspayingtherentontime.Withoutunderstanding
thisbasicdifferenceinscorekeeping,menandwomenarecontinuallyfrustratedanddisappointedintheir
relationships.

Thefollowingcaseillustratesthis:

Incounseling, Pamsaid, "IdosomuchforChuck andheignoresme. Allhecaresaboutishiswork."
Chucksaid,"Butmyworkpaysforourbeautifulhouseandallowsustogoonvacations.Sheshouldbe
happy."Pamreplied,"Idon'tcareaboutthishouseorthevacationsifwearenotlovingeachother.Ineed
morefrom you."Chuck said, "Youmakeitsoundlikeyougivesomuch more." Pam said, "Ido. Iam
alwaysdoingthingsforyou.Idothewash,fixthemeals,cleanthehouse--everything.Youdoonething--
yougotowork,whichdoespaythebills.Butthenyouexpectmetodoeverythingelse."

Chuckisasuccessfuldoctor.Likemostprofessionalshisworkisverytimeconsumingbutveryprofitable.
Hecouldn'tunderstandwhyhiswife,Pam,wassodiscontent.Heearneda"goodliving"andheprovideda
"goodlife"forhiswifeandfamily,butwhenhecamehomehiswifewasunhappy.

InChuck'smind,themoremoneyhemadeatwork,thelessheneededtodoat,hometofulfillhiswife.
Hethoughthisheftypaycheckattheendofthemonthscoredhimatleastthirtypoints.Whenheopened
hisownclinicanddoubledhisincome,heassumedhewasnowscoringsixtypointsamonth.Hehadno
ideathathispaycheckearnedhimonlyonepointeachmonthwithPam--nomatterhowbigitwas.

ChuckdidnotrealizethatfromPam'spointofview,themoreheearned,thelessshegot.Hisnewclinic