You say "Would you takethetrashout?" Ifhe saysno,thengraciouslyandsimplysay"OK."
He is very busy and preoccupied with an
importantproject.Youdon'twanttodistracthim
becauseyousensehowfocusedheis,but you
alsowanttotalk withhim. Normally you would
sensehisresistanceandnotaskforsometime.
Yousay"Wouldyouspendsometimewithme?"
If he says no, then graciously and simply say
"OK."Heisfocusedandbusy,butyouneedtopickup
yourcar,whichhasbeenintheshop.Normallyyou
anticipatehowdifficultitwillbeforhimto
rearrangehisscheduleandyoudon'taskhim
foraride.
Yousay "Wouldyougivemearidetoday topick
upmycar?It'sbeingrepaired."Ifhesaysno,then
graciouslyandsimplysay"OK.Ineachoftheaboveexamples,bepreparedforhimtosaynoandpracticebeingacceptingandtrusting.
Accepthisnoandtrustthathewouldoffersupportifhecould.Eachtimeyouaskamanforsupportand
heisn'tmadewrongforsayingno,hegivesyoubetweenfiveandtenpoints.Nexttimeyouaskhewillbe
moreresponsivetoyourrequest.Inasense,byaskingforhissupportinalovingway,youarehelpinghim
stretchhisabilitytogivemore.
Ifirstlearnedthisfromawomanemployeeyearsago.Wewereworkingonanonprofitprojectandneeded
volunteers. Shewas abouttocallTom, whowasafriend ofmine. Itold hernottobotherbecauseI
alreadyknewhewouldnotbeabletohelpthistune.Shesaidshewouldcallanyway.Iaskedherwhy,and
she said, "When I callI willask for his support, and when hesays no, I willbe very gracious and
understanding.Thennexttime,whenIcallforafutureproject,hewillbemorewillingtosayyes.Hewill
haveapositivememoryofme."Shewasright.
Whenyouaskamanforsupportandyoudonotrejecthimforsayingno,hewillrememberthat,andnext
timehewillbemuchmorewillingtogive.Ontheotherhand,ifyouquietlysacrificeyourneedsanddon't
ask,hewon'thaveanyideahowmanytimesheisneeded.Howcouldheknowifyoudon'task?
Asyougentlycontinuetoaskformore,occasionallyyourpartnerwillbeabletostretchhiscomfortzone
andsayyes.Atthispointithasbecomesafetoaskformore.Thisisonewayhealthy relationshipsare
built.
Healthy Relationships
Arelationshipishealthywhenbothpartnershavepermissiontoaskforwhattheywantandneed,andthey
bothhavepermissiontosaynoiftheychoose.
Forexample,IrememberstandinginthekitchenwithafamilyfriendonedaywhenourdaughterLauren