getclosetoJeffthemorehepulledaway.
AftertakingmyseminarMaggiewassorelieved.Heranxietyandconfusionimmediatelydisappeared.Most
important,shestoppedblamingherself.SherealizedthatwhenJeffpulledawayitwasnotherfault.In
additionshelearnedwhyhewaspullingawayandhowgracefullytodealwithit.Monthslateratanother
seminar,JeffthankedmeforwhatMaggiehadlearned.Hetoldmetheywerenowengagedtobemarried.
Maggiehaddiscoveredasecretthatfewwomenknowaboutmen.
MaggierealizedthatwhenshewastryingtogetclosewhileJeffwastryingtopullaway,shewasactually
preventinghimfromstretchinghisfulldistanceandthenspringingback.By runningafterhim,shewas
preventinghimfromeverfeelingthatheneededherandwantedtobewithher.Sherealizedthatshehad
donethisineveryrelationship.Unknowinglyshehadobstructedanimportantcycle.Bytryingtomaintain
intimacyshehadpreventedit.
How a Man Is Suddenly Transformed
Ifamandoesnothavetheopportunitytopullaway,henevergetsachancetofeelhisstrongdesiretobe
close.Itisessentialforwomentounderstandthatiftheyinsistoncontinuousintimacyor"runafter"their
intimatemalepartnerwhen hepullsaway, thenhewillalmostalwaysbetryingtoescapeanddistance
himself;hewillnevergetachancetofeelhisownpassionatelongingforlove.
InmyseminarsIdemonstratethiswithabigrubberband.Imaginethatyouareholdingarubberband.
Nowbeginstretchingyourrubberbandbypullingittoyourright.Thisparticularrubberbandcanstretch
twelveinches.Whentherubberbandisstretchedtwelveinchesthereisnowherelefttogobutback.And
whenitreturnsithasalotofpowerandspring.
Likewise,whenamanhasstretchedawayhisfulldistance,hewillreturnwithalotofpowerandspring.
Oncehepullsawaytohislimit,hebeginstogothroughatransformation.Hiswholeattitudebeginstoshift.
Thismanwhodidnotseemtocareaboutorbeinterestedinhispartner(whilehewaspullingaway)
suddenlycannotlivewithouther.Heisnowfeelingagainhisneedforintimacy.Hispowerisbackbecause
hisdesiretoloveandbelovedhavebeenreawakened.
This is generally puzzling for awoman becausein her experience if she has pulled away, becoming
intimateagainrequiresaperiodofreacquaintance.Ifshedoesn'tunderstandthatmenaredifferentinthis
way,shemayhaveatendencytomistrusthissuddendesireforintimacyandpushhimaway.
Menalsoneed tounderstandthisdifference.Whenamanspringsback, beforeawomancanopenup
againtohimshegenerallywantsandneedstimeandconversationtoreconnect.Thistransitioncanbe
moregracefulifamanunderstandsawomanmayneedmoretimetoregainthesamelevelofintimacy_-
especially ifshefelthurtwhen hepulledaway.Without thisunderstanding ofdifferences, aman may