intimacy, he begins to switch back and forth between wanting
to get closer and wanting to pull away.
To move into a woman’s life without losing his sense of self
and sense of autonomy, a man moves back and forth between
feeling a strong desire to get close and a desire to get away
and be on his own. The more intimate a man becomes with a
woman, the more he will sometimes feel a need to pull away.
As long as he hasn’t yet become intimate, as in stage three,
a man continues to feel a desire to be close, he plans to make
her happy, and he is interested in getting to know her and ex-
press his love for her. He doesn’t feel this need to pull away
nearly as much.
Once he moves into stage four and experiences increasing
intimacy, he will feel the need to pull away as well. To
whatever extent he has given up parts of himself to move
closer, he will feel a need to be autonomous. No matter how
wonderful a woman is, as they get closer, a man will periodic-
ally pull away before he can get closer.
When a man experiences increasing
intimacy, periodically he needs to pull away
before he can get closer.The more intimate a man feels with a woman, the more he
will eventually feel a need to pull away. He can then return to
her with even more love. Each time, after he pulls away, his
love has a chance to grow when he returns.
THE IN-AND-OUT URGE
This basic in-and-out urge is in all men. It is associated with a
man’s high levels of testosterone, which all men have and
women don’t. Since this isn’t a woman’s basic experience, it
STAGE FOUR: INTIMACY / 101