Once she has talked about her feelings, you must be careful
once again not to give any explanations or argue with her in
any way.
If she then wants to talk further, you should just listen to
her response. If she doesn’t say anything, then you can move
to step three.
Listening to a woman when she is upset is not supposed to
feel good. If it doesn’t feel very good to listen, that is okay. It
is to be expected. Either you can choose to feel bad for a few
minutes or she will make you feel bad for weeks anyway. When
a woman feels upset, she needs to experience in some measure
that you feel the discomfort she is feeling.
- Respond with a “Nadjective”
When you make a mistake, use a negative adjective—a
“nadjective”—to describe yourself or what you did. While
listening to a woman talk in steps one and two, reflect on sin-
cerely coming up with the appropriate nadjective to describe
yourself at the time you made the mistake, instead of planning
an explanation. These are a few examples of different nadject-
ives and how they may make a woman feel.
YOU SAY SHE FEELS
You’re right. You were incon-
siderate. Okay, you know how
I feel. That feels your being
late sometimes. You don’t
have to be perfect. I just need
you to think of me as well. I
can forgive you. It wasn’t such
a big deal.“I’m sorry that I was late.... I
was really inconsiderate.”STAGE FIVE: ENGAGEMENT / 121