work out and he stops convincing her, she will not want him.
This actually frees him to make the commitment. A woman
would not think this, because if she feels she has to persuade
a man to love her, then when she wants to relax and be taken
care of, he may not find that he loves her. This is just another
reason why throughout the five stages men are to pursue and
women are to create the opportunity to be pursued.
IF HE IS IN STAGE ONE (ATTRACTION) and she reacts as if she is
in stage two (uncertainty), it can have the effect of making her
seem too difficult. He may think, How can she reject me when
she doesn’t even know me? She must not be the right kind of
woman for me, or, She is too critical or judgmental for me.
If she reacts as if she is in stage three (exclusivity), she may
easily compromise her value to him. Imagine that you went
house shopping and found a house you liked and the seller
said, “You like it? It’s yours. You pay me whatever you like.”
The chances of getting a respectable offer are very low. This
situation is similar to the old joke by Groucho Marx, “I
wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as
a member.” However you look at it, when a woman sells her-
self cheap, she comes out looking easy.
If a woman reacts as if she is in stage four or five, it can cause
a man to get really close and then back off. The promise of in-
timacy makes a woman very attractive, but the experience of
too much intimacy can easily cause a man to lose interest. Even
the best dessert can make you sick if you eat too much. A wo-
man’s challenge is to reveal herself in stages, not all at once.
WHEN A MAN MOVES FASTER
If a man behaves as if he is completely won over, it can be
easier for the couple to move through the five stages, but still
136 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.