an exclusive relationship. He didn’t give himself the chance
to open his heart with just one woman. After being attracted
to one woman, instead of staying with her during the uncer-
tainty stage, he would feel uncertain and begin comparing and
looking elsewhere. He always had a back door, someone he
could be with if this one didn’t work out.
Before he could open up to a woman and risk being rejected,
he would have another one lined up. As a result, he never had
the chance to be exclusive with one woman for more than six
months. In all his special relationships, he would skip the ex-
clusivity stage and move to stage four (intimacy) and then
back to stage two (uncertainty).
While feeling uncertain he would then notice other women
and pursue them. By moving back and forth between stages
and between partners, he was never able to find the knowledge
in his heart that a woman was either right or wrong for him.
Why Richard Couldn’t CommitCertainly there were childhood experiences in Richard’s past
that aggravated this tendency, but his inability to commit had
roots in his failure to move through all of the first four stages.
It had never been explained to him why it was so important
to be exclusive as a preparation to recognizing the right person.
He thought he should first recognize and be intimate with the
right person and then be exclusive, rather than be exclusive
(stage three) and then intimate (stage four).
Still, he looks back at many of the women he has loved and
feels that four or five would have been perfect if only they
were a little different. He still wonders, “Maybe she was the
right one; maybe she was the best I could get.”
Although Richard does not feel resentful or guilty, he does
28 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.