Sarah suggested that for fun they take a Mars/Venus
workshop. She thought that if they took a class together on
communication, she would understand what to do. After the
workshop, everything changed. She heard that statistically
men talk more on the third date than any other date in their
whole relationship. She was relieved to recognize that Bob’s
lack of interest in talking to her was not about her or their re-
lationship at all, but was quite ordinary.
Men may talk a lot in the beginning of the relationship be-
cause, in a sense, they are on a job interview. They are giving
their date a verbal résumé of who they are by sharing what
they think, feel, and value. Once a man gets the job and he is
exclusive, a shift takes place because there is no longer any
reason to keep talking.
Talking has served its purpose. Now that they know each
other, they can get on to being and doing things together. Men
talk most on the third date because it is after their third date
that they decide to be exclusive. As in baseball, it is generally
three strikes and a man either gets on base or is out.
On Mars, talking is not an end in itself. Men generally don’t
call each other up and say, “Let’s go to lunch and just talk.” If
they do, it is because they have something in particular that’s
pressing to talk about. When invited to lunch to talk, a man
will ask, “What’s up?” or “What is it that you want to talk
about?”
Women, on the other hand, will call each other up and say,
“Let’s have lunch.” They don’t have to have a specific reason
to talk. There are not specific topics to discuss or pressing
problems to solve. They don’t even bother asking. They know
lunch means talking about whatever.
Bob, like many men, had stopped talking because he had no
reason to talk. He had fully introduced himself and he had
gotten the job. After taking the seminar, he realized that
STAGE THREE: EXCLUSIVITY / 73