(using protest behavior) until the relationship would reach a dead end.
Later she would torment herself by turning things over and over in her
mind (an activating strategy). It would be very difficult for her to let go
and move on. Also, by keeping silent and not calling, Nicky seemed to
attract a string of avoidant men who felt more comfortable with the lack
of communication. But Nicky was not happy.
Finally, at our suggestion, she told all her friends to keep an eye out
for potential prospects and also signed up for several online dating
services. She started meeting lots of new people, thereby increasing
her odds of meeting the right man—a secure man. Dating many
people and not having time to get too anxious over any one particular
prospect brought about a change in her attitude. Whereas before, she
saw every man that she met and liked (and she was picky) as her last
chance to find happiness, now prospects were plentiful. It’s not that she
didn’t experience disappointments; some men didn’t even get past the
first date for one reason or another. But what did change were her
anxious thought patterns—her working model for relationships:
- She saw hard evidence that many people found her attractive,
even if they didn’t turn out to be the perfect match. So she no
longer interpreted unsuccessful dates as proof of some deep-
seated problem in her. Her self-confidence increased greatly
and it showed. - When someone she was interested in started to disengage or
act avoidant, she found it much easier to simply move on
without losing precious time. She could say to herself, “This
person is just not right for me, but the next one might be.” - When she met someone she really liked, she obsessed about
him less and didn’t resort as much to protest behavior. Gone (or
at least reduced) were the oversensitivity and the
defensiveness that made her act in self-defeating ways.
A year after her dating experiment began, she met George. He was
warm and loving and he adored her. She allowed herself to open up
and be vulnerable with him. These days she often jokes that in a
strange twist of fate (although she knows she took an active part in
making fate happen), among her friends—many of whom were in long-