56 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
The following months were extremely difficult. The grief over losing
seven babies over the course of 16 weeks in varying ways was extremely dif-
ficult to process. Most people outside of our family did not know what we
really went through. Some people would express their condolences for the loss
of our “twins” and others just would not acknowledge the loss at all. It was
most difficult with our families, who knew the whole story. Most of them had
no idea what to say, so did not say much of anything at all and carried on as if
nothing had happened. This was so hurtful. Our lives were forever changed,
yet others were acting as if nothing had happened because there were not vis-
ible babies that were lost. For me and Rey, our babies were everything to us.
We had gone through so much to have them and sacrificed our moral beliefs
by doing things we never thought we would do, just to give two of them a
chance at the best life possible. It just seemed that all of that was in vain.
For a very long time, I questioned the choices we made over the course
of the pregnancy. Maybe I should have tried to have all of the babies; maybe
I would have made it to viability with the five of them; the thing is, I will never
know. It took a lot of time and therapy to fully process all of the feelings sur-
rounding the losses we endured. Rey and I processed the losses differently and
we learned that that was okay; we experienced it differently. In the end our
marriage was intact, we found a deeper love for one another, and we moved
through the grieving process differently but together.
We now have three living children, a set of identical twin girls and a sin-
gleton little girl, all through natural pregnancies. I think about the septuplets
regularly. They have shaped my life and my outlook on parenting most days.
I still feel a sense of comfort in knowing my septuplets are together in heaven.
I find solace in that. I consider myself a mother to 11 children (we had a mis-
carriage following the septuplets and prior to becoming pregnant with our
identical twins). I remember being in therapy right after we lost the septuplets
and our therapist telling us that one day we will look back at the septuplets
and it will be bittersweet. I could not imagine that ever happening, but now
7 years later, it is so true to me. It was a time filled with so much sadness and
grief, but it was also my time with them.SUMMARY
Even in the best of circumstances, maturational gains such as achieving
pregnancy and getting ready to have a baby also entail losses of accustomed
self-image, independence—even madcap ways. When experiences of
pregnancy complication and/or pregnancy loss occur, the first loss is the loss of
innocence. In a society where pregnancy complications and death are hidden,
expectations are that every pregnancy goes well. The innocence that allows
these expectations is lost when pregnancy is complicated in some way, quickly
followed by the losses involved with managing fear, uncertainty, medical
treatment, and concern for the health of oneself and one’s future child. There
are no easy answers in these situations. Weighing one’s attachment to one’s
potential baby against the possibilities of harms that could keep him or her